Fashionable Giving

Healthy goodies for visitors

2010-07-29T03:00:00.000-07:00

Friends and family came by regularly just after surgery. I'm a hostess by nature, but didn't have the energy to make a big fuss. Besides....as everyone gently reminded me....I was not responsible for entertaining during my recovery time. Old habits die hard! Janey found this great recipe and whipped up a batch of muffins, which were enjoyed by all! I made a batch with blueberries about a week later, also great. They are quick and easy. My recommendation is to take a batch as a gift! Enjoy!!

Healthy Muffins

Stir in large bowl:

2 cups unbleached, all purpose flour
3 tsp baking powder
½ tsp salt

Stir in smaller bowl:

1/3 cup light-colored agave sweetener
1/3 cup oil
1 cup low-fat (1%) organic milk
1 egg, beaten OR ½ ripe banana, smashed (Great vegan alternative!)

Pre-heat over to 400 degrees. Use non-stick muffin tin or, line pan with non-stick spray or paper liners.

Make a well in the center of the dry ingredients for the wet ingredients. Pour in wet ingredients and stir quickly – the batter will be lumpy and that’s OK. Stir in fruit if desired.

Fill muffin openings 2/3 full. Bake 18 to 25 minutes (check after 15) until golden brown

Recipe makes 12 (standard muffin tin) or 6 (Giant muffin tin) muffins.

Additions:

For fruit muffins, stir 1/3 to 1/2 cup fresh fruit into batter. I really love fresh, organic blueberries from the farmer's market, but any fresh berries would be great.

For walnut muffins, stir 1/3 finely chopped walnuts into batter.

If you can have sugar, home made crumb topping (think apple pie) is perfect. Sprinkle a generous teaspoon onto each muffin before baking.

Again, if you are allowed the sugar: Manuka honey (health food store item) is a great alternative to butter.

No known recipe credit. Thank you....wherever you are!

Hospital Gown + Confidence = Oxymoron

2010-07-27T03:00:00.000-07:00

Fifteen years in retail fashion taught me many things. But the most important thing I learned is that when I feel like I look good, I honestly feel and "do" better. To this day, if there is an important event - interview, meeting, presentation, date, etc., I will take the time to make sure I have the perfect outfit and all the correct accessories. Then I only have to worry about what I'm going to say....not about how I look. Why, you might ask, is this important to share with you???

In my opinion, going into the hospital, for any reason, is a time for making sure all of the confidence chips are stacked in your favor. The night before my mastectomy, I laid out a cute, but comfortable outfit. On surgery morning, I showered and got dressed. Took time to do my hair. No make-up, but made sure my face was clean and moisturized. My friend picked me up promptly at 5:00AM with "wow, you look adorable!" With my confidence boosted, I was ready for surgery!

At 5:30AM, the pre-op nurses, put a quick and decisive end to my adorable-ness when they handed me a bluish-gray, standard-issue, one-size-fits-none, hospital gown w/unmatched robe, white compression stockings, gray slipper socks with white grippey stuff on the top AND the bottom and an over sized "hat" that most self respecting cafeteria workers would not be caught dead in! In the span of 30 minutes, I went from confident patient, to just another patient to be operated on, and I was less than thrilled. Now, before you start in, I can practically recite all the reasons for this change of garments, but does it really have to be that way?????

According to Rachel Zinney, the founder of Dear Johnnies, the answer is a resounding NO! The tagline "the get better hospital gown", is true! With a little pre-planning and some cash, I gave myself the gift of dignity and style, in a place where there is precious little of either!! You can give yourself or someone you love, the gift of a hospital gown that is bright, stylish, improves the color in your cheeks, covers your assets AND meets the needs of your medical caregivers. A win-win all around!

It will probably take a little work to convince the nurses, that your hospital gown is not just any gown you brought from home to wear in the hospital - but I promise you, it is absolutely worth the effort!! The minute I changed into my own gown, I started to feel more like Kathie and not "the patient in room 95W". These gowns are the genuine article - open in the back as needed, but snap closed and tie in the back to protect your dignity as you walk around the floor, and have shoulder snaps to accommodate IV equipment or nursing. Size matters....so these gowns come in a couple of sizes, including Plus for several styles. Once my nurses were satisfied that they would not be inconvenienced, they were quick with the "oooohhhs" and "aaahhhhhs". Sprung from the hospital, I re-gifted my COCO gown to my friend Megan, an ALS patient who is in and out of the hospital....hopefully she will feel just as stylish!

Thank you Rachel for giving us confidence and dignity at a time when we feel especially vulnerable!

Props to Peter Shankman and HARO for sharing the Dear Johnnies link earlier this year!

Communication Sanity

2010-07-25T03:00:00.000-07:00

Back in January, as I was beginning my journey with breast cancer, I quickly discovered that, one of the biggest challenges of getting sick, is that
my friends all wanted to know how I was doing, and more importantly....how they could help me. I found myself fielding lots phone calls at all times of the day and night, and I felt like I was always repeating myself...."haven't we already talked about this?" I didn't know who I'd spoken to, couldn't remember what I'd said or who I'd spoken to, and frankly, it was tiring for me. But I clearly understood the love and concern of my friends, and their need to know what was going on, so that I didn't feel alone.

In frustration one day, as I chatted with my friend Patti, I remember saying that "I just needed an easy way to communicate with my friends and family, you know, post it once and let them log in to see what was going on." I've been around technology long enough that I was sure there was a solution, I just didn't know about it. Her answer,"why don't you just set up a CaringBridge site?" My startled response, "I've never heard of CaringBridge." Turns out this is the best kept secret on the internet!!

It was easy to get started. Once the basics were in place I could start typing my thoughts into the journal section. I can share thoughts, test results, updates and more, once. Then friends and family can log into the site with a web browser and get the exact same information, when it's convenient for them. Did I mention that the best part is I only have to post it once!? My CaringBridge journal has significantly cut down on the number of phone calls, which allowed me to get the rest I needed and heal.

I still get lots of calls, but now it's to offer good wishes, fill in some of the details on what I posted and catch up on their lives...it's the best! Since I started using Dragon Naturally Speaking, I just speak my thoughts into their journal site and it's even quicker! The guestbook section allows anyone to leave encouraging messages, which has proved invaluable over the past few months, helping to keep my attitude positive and strong.

CaringBridge is easy to setup, easy to maintain and more importantly it easy to share the login credentials. This was a huge help when I was in the hospital, when everyone was the most worried! No one had the burden of answering a million phone calls to find out how I was doing!

The most time consuming part of getting started was collecting all of the e-mail addresses of friends and family and sending the URL once I had the site set up. This part requires a bit of advance work, but it's worth the extra effort. To the Dev team at CaringBridge, if you're listening...it would be awesome if there was a built-in tool to import an address book!!

I use Outlook. I used the export feature and created a master list of friends and their phone #/e-mail addresses. From there, I created about 10 logical categories, based on a common thread (e.g. church, relatives, colleagues, belly dance, etc) and asked one friend in each group to be the point person. I gave each point person a list of close friends associated to that group and then gave the master list to my friend Cindy. Several friends sent out an advance notice, pointing their list members to the site early!

The best part of all this, in my opinion, happened on surgery day. Cindy made about 15 calls and one posting to the site to start the communication tree; notifying about 450 of my friends and family members, scattered across the world, that I had made it through surgery with flying colors. It was awesome!

To get started, go to www.caringbridge.org. Have fun, pass the word about this cool resource, and let me know how it's going!

School was NEVER this much fun!

2010-07-23T03:00:00.000-07:00

I'm a student again!!! I've returned to a learning mode, working to learn the craft of blogging. In the past few weeks, I've read a number of blogs and have stumbled onto some great practical resources. One of them is pro-blogger.net. On July 15th, Darren Rouse, the author of pro-blogger.net posted a challenge to his readers to take part in the 7 Link challenge. The idea is to publish a post a list of seven links to posts that you and others have written that respond to the seven questions listed below. This sounded like a lot of fun.

So, while it's a little after the fact, here is my entry for Darren's challenge:

Your first post: What One Person Can Do
A post you enjoyed writing the most: Angels Among Us
A post which had a great discussion: Planning for the future includes planning for the end...
A post on someone else's blog that you wish you'd written:
Your most helpful post: Develop and Share Your Story
A post with the title that you are especially proud of: Calm in the Midst of a Storm
A post that you wish more people had read: Gift Giving....A New Perspective

This was a fun challenge to complete! I urge you to check out some of the posts, then head over to Darren's site to check out other entries. If you are a fellow blogger, consider sharing your entry with me and I'll check out as many as I can. If you enjoyed this post, please leave a comment or become a subscriber.

Thanks for reading!

Off the bench....Back in the lineup again!!

2010-07-21T03:00:00.000-07:00

I am a huge baseball fan! And…even though they regularly break my heart, I remain true (29 years and counting) to the orange and black jerseys worn by the San Francisco Giants. My brother, an equally devoted Oakland A’s fan, and a few other friends have offered to pay for therapy! Hopefully, this bit of insight into my psyche sets a context for this post.

I’ve missed writing. I’ve been on the bench for 6 months after taking an “I found a lump” curve ball to my left breast on January 21st. Four little words that have significantly changed my strategy to playing this game called life. Turns out, I was lucky to get a “brush back” which allowed me to assess my life and make some changes, so that I have the stamina to stay in the game. Here are just a few of the life lessons I’ve learned from baseball and my time on the bench:

In January, when it’s still gray and icky, my heart leaps hopefully when I can start counting the days to spring training, along with all of the sports pundits. Hope springs eternal in January – it’s a new season and this could be the year we go all the way! Every 365 days, I get to be hopeful - to start over to reach my personal dreams.
There’s a lot of strategy to baseball. Pitching rotations and match-ups; hitting lineups; officiating; home or away; number of days on the road, and so much more. Same as life. Lots of things to consider when making changes, but it helps to know my team, how rested I am, am I on my home turf or on the road, what/who can I always count on?
It’s a team game that takes 9 players, plus a cast of back-ups. And…any one player can be the hero or the (scape)goat for any given game. I’m only as good as the people I surround myself with.
One game does not a season make. One has to shrug off a bad break or performance and mentally get into the next game fast. There’s never a lot of time for boo hoo-ing or second guesses. Equally important, a good performance today, does not guarantee a good performance tomorrow!
Each player is a specialist, but there are times when opportunity knocks and one needs to abandon specialty to get the job done.
168 games makes for a long season, so players must have endurance and be resilient to make it through a full season. Health, training/preparation, attitude, support and flexibility, all play into one’s ability to make it through a long season.
The game is on the field! Fans and coaching makes a difference, but in the end, the coach and fans are not on the field, the players are. If it is to be….it’s up to me!
For a variety of reasons, players can spend a lot of time on the bench and not on the field. No one wants to be on the bench any longer than they have to! Time off is good. Too much time off is not good – at least for me!
From a purely biased perspective, San Francisco has the cutest little ballpark in the league, and where else but a ballpark, can you enjoy beer, friends, and the smart crack of a line drive? It’s good to remember to stop and smell the roasted peanuts!

Six months has brought many changes and insights which are great topics for a blog about meaningful giving. For now, I am ready to play ball, so I’ll see you on the field - or in this case - on this blog!!! For all the baseball fans, what are your favorite ballpark memories? What life lessons has baseball taught you? Please comment and share your stories!!

If you are interested, my CaringBridge online journal chronicles much of my personal journey with my breast cancer diagnosis.

Photo by Backpacker.

Planning for the future includes planning for the end....

2010-02-20T19:58:00.000-08:00

In my last post, I wrote about the tough task of planning for the end. Once we got set up with hospice, we set about the process of planning Bill’s celebration of life. Now…again, this post may be a bit uncomfortable but I hope it will inspire you to be an active participant in planning the celebration of your well lived life.

Once you are gone, it will be up to your loved ones to plan your services. I can assure you that it’s hard enough to grieve your passing without having to guess at your wishes. You will not be around to answer the myriad of questions they'll have. Questions like: casket, cremation or other; what clothes you want to be buried in; who will carry your casket; organ donation?; what songs were meaningful to you; where should your ashes be scattered; who will give your eulogy; will there be more than one person to speak; who will write your obituary, and about a million other details.

If these questions are thought through ahead of time, a couple of things happen. First, you and your loved ones can develop a project plan (of sorts!) and tasks on the list can be delegated to friends and family members, allowing them a way to focus their energy during this time of grief. Second and more importantly, sharing the work eases the burden on the primary family members and allows everyone to feel like they helped. The event is truly a celebration and becomes “our” sendoff. It allows for a deeper sense of closure. I was pretty fortunate to have assistance from my closest girlfriends and guidance from my financial advisor Jean, a great friend and veteran planner. She gave me a wonderful worksheet/checklist, which helped guide the conversations Bill and I had. I have a copy of the document in MS WORD format. If you would like a copy, please use the comments section to request, and include your email address.

Our friends stepped up to plan Bill’s services just as carefully as any software release I’ve ever worked on! Bill was an active part of the planning. Answering questions with “talkie” and keeping us all laughing. Janey and Terri agreed to be the project managers, leaving me free to care for Bill as we got closer and closer to the end. There was a work plan, deliverables, due dates and accountability. Friends finally convinced Bill that now was the time to develop Volume II of Bill’s favorite songs. He was added to the project plan and held accountable, just like everyone else. I remember these sessions very fondly! And the celebration was indeed memorable - exactly what Bill wanted.

Every picture tells a story. One of the very special moments during this planning time was the “audition” of the young women Bill asked to sing his favorite songs. On a beautiful, bright, Sunday afternoon, Lyndsay, Meredith and Lauren came to the house, along with our friends Connie and Eric. The girls are sisters in every sense of the word. They’ve known each other since grade school and have been singing together just as long. Their voices are truly gifts from God! They gave Bill a private concert that Connie, Eric and I were privileged to share. They sang, we cried, they laughed, we asked about college plans, they sang, we cried some more. It was a spectacular day! You can tell that Bill and the girls had fun!

Peace be the journey….

It’s good to have a plan…

2009-11-18T01:00:00.000-08:00

If you are a patient with a chronic or life threatening disease, to the extent you can, you need to be actively engaged in your healthcare decisions. And that’s great, as long as you have the stamina and voice to speak for yourself. So what happens when you really can’t care for yourself? Or when all of the information and decisions become overwhelming for your primary caregiver? Earlier this year, I attended a one day conference in San Francisco. The topic: learning to be a better patient, to be your own health care advocate. Adriana Boden, a former colleague and Julia Hallisy, a Bay Area Dentist, pulled together an amazing group of patients and professionals for a day of straight talk. The event has grown into the Empowered Patient Coalition, a non-profit group created by patient advocates devoted to helping the public improve the quality and the safety of their health care.

Joanna Smith, LCSW, MPH is a professional Healthcare Advocate and the founder of Healthcare Liaison, Inc. She is just one of the many caring people I met at the conference. What exactly is a Healthcare Advocate? “Health advocates are professionals who specialize in helping individuals navigate the healthcare maze to ensure they get the help they need, when they need it, and in the most appropriate setting. This specialized profession has grown in recent years, reflecting its recognition as an effective resource for dealing with the growing complexity of our health care system, and its value to individuals and families of all ages. There is a broad spectrum of health care advocacy firms ranging from large national organizations providing concierge services and relying heavily on telephonic consultation – to smaller local or regional firms like Healthcare Liaison that emphasize in-person assistance. The key is working with an advocate with whom you feel comfortable.”

Cleaning out some files the other day, I rediscovered Joanna’s handouts and asked if I might reprint them for my readers. I am grateful for her permission to share:
When You Don’t Know What to Do: Ten Tips to Guide You with Your Healthcare

What happens when you receive healthcare information that overwhelms you? It can be about unexpected test results or the need for surgery. It might be for you, your partner, spouse, child or parent. Maybe you heard it while you were at the doctor’s office, at work or at home; you didn’t know what to d do next, and you weren’t sure how to approach it. You want to figure things out, but how?
In a crisis, everyone needs ways to “re-group”. Here are Ten Tips that can help:
Take a deep breath before you do anything – including going to the internet! There is a lot of information out there; make sure you go to reliable, impartial sources.
Don’t hesitate to ask questions. It is normal to only hear bits and pieces of stressful information. You need to keep gathering information until you are sure you’ve understood it all.
Bring a family member or friend with you to future medical appointments and have them take notes. What you miss hearing, they’ll remember for you.
Don’t try to “go it alone.” Decide who your support system is and use it! People with the most extensive support systems manage stressful situations the best.
Make sure you know the potential risks and benefits of any step you’re considering, and take all the time you need to understand them. Everything in healthcare has a possible “plus” and a possible “minus”.
Look at how you’ve managed uncertainty in your life before. Some people like to make lists of what their options are and then order it by preference. It’s a good technique to help you gain control over the situation.
If you’re overwhelmed by a decision to be made, break it down into smaller decisions. For example, the question of whether you want to try an experimental drug becomes “I’ll try it for “x” number of weeks and then decide if I want to continue.”
Get a second opinion. Insurance companies are generally willing to have you go for a second opinion before you make a major healthcare decision.
Realize that many insurance benefits have some negotiating room build into them. If you make a treatment decision and your insurer says it doesn’t cover it, ask to talk with a case manager at the insurance company about your specific situation.
Make sure you feel comfortable with your healthcare provider. If not, talk with friends, co-workers and other medical professionals about referrals.

Finally, stay open to new treatment options; in the future you could make a different decision. Medical systems are complex, and constantly changing. Give yourself time to explore the options before you make a decision, and know that you can change your mind.

(© 2009 Healthcare Liaison, Inc. All Rights Reserved)

The bottom line is we must each be responsible for our own health. We must ask the questions, do the research and become active partners in all decisions regarding our healthcare. And when we can’t speak for ourselves….It’s good to have a plan B!

Angels Among Us...continued

2009-11-16T01:00:00.000-08:00

So…hospice is a little tricky, psychologically. Timing is everything! When you turn to hospice, you are admitting that the end of your physical life is somewhat imminent and that you do not want to take any extraordinary measures to extend it. You are going to die. Soon. And you are ok (more or less) with the next steps. Not a decision to be considered lightly!

Bill and I were clear with each other that we weren’t ready to give up hope. But, to “understand our options”, we filled our hospice prescription about a month later. As we suspected, we were a bit premature. But, it turns out, there is a step you can take that extends some, but not all of the benefits of hospice. It’s called Palliative Care – think hospice lite. Our experience was brief but positive. I would highly recommend that anyone facing a potentially life threatening illness investigate the services offered by palliative care practitioners in your community.

Our stay in palliative care lasted about a month…until our next clinic visit. By then it was clear that Bill’s ALS had a plan of its own and didn’t really care about our need to get comfortable with the stages of the disease. The palliative care nurse recommended that we contact hospice. It turned out to be the best decision of our lives.

Because it’s scary to admit that death is inevitable, and potentially close at hand, it’s hard to bring hospice into the picture. Typically, the hospice team is brought in during the last stages of the patient’s life, allowing them to die outside of the clinical environment of a hospital, affording comfort and dignity. We filled our prescription and received a perspective on what hospice COULD be.

If the hospice caregivers are brought into the family early on, they have a chance to get to know the patient, the family and gently walk everyone through the process. Not that their job is especially fun, but it isn’t meaningful for them if they are just around to help medicate a patient. They will do it, but optimally, there are lots of resources available which can make the journey much easier for the patient and for the primary caregivers. For example,

Chaplains can address spiritual needs.
Social workers can bring in community resources.
Nurses and medical professionals can baseline vitals and have the difficult end of life discussions at a pace that seems comfortable and respectful.

And so it was with us. A care team was assigned to us. Jolene was the case nurse and a perfect fit for Bill. She respected him, listened to his wishes, was his advocate when I disagreed with a particular course of action and in general got to know him as a whole person. Not just a patient with symptoms to be managed. I loved her, because I could use her as an ally as needed! Jolene handled any major medical issues and made sure I was trained to handle the day to day issues. In the early days, a team of aides came twice a week to help with bathing and personal care. As we progressed, they came more often, giving me an hour of respite and Bill a clean shave and a smiling disposition. Showers will do that! Emmy was always his favorite. Hospice programs vary, so do your homework to find a good fit. I know of an ALS patient and his wife who received regular massages in their home as part of their hospice services!

I’m not certain why someone chooses to pursue a career in hospice. It may be that hospice chooses them. No matter! I am eternally grateful for these special angels among us. Thanks to them, the passage from this life is easier, and the resulting “good death” can indeed be celebrated.

Angels Among Us

2009-11-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

When we are born, we come into the world amid much celebration and joy. When we die, why isn’t it the same?

Full disclosure at the beginning. Some of you may find the next few posts uncomfortable to read, because we don’t generally discuss death and dying in this culture. I hope you will stay with me as I share part of my personal story and thoughts on a model for a good death as I recognize the many angels who have chosen a career in hospice, during National Hospice month.

In my lifetime, pets, grandparents, friends, in-laws, my dad and my husband have died. For my dad and my brother in law, a gunshot wound and a motorcycle accident ended their lives almost instantly, mercifully. For those of us left behind, the process of processing their death was painful. We have all been very philosophical, saying “at least he didn’t suffer”. But it still hurts some 20+ years later when I want to run something by my dad and have to grapple with the quantum physics/time-space continuum involved in that conversation. Needless to say, I’m snapped quickly back to the present moment! We have the conversation; I just have to listen a little more closely for the answer!

Since pets have chronologically shorter lifespan, we are generally prepared for them to die in our lifetime. I completely agree that the grieving process is intense, but philosophically, humans tend to be more prepared for a pet death. For my pets, I have been grateful for the caring counsel of a marvelous team of veterinarians!

For everyone else I’ve lost, hospice staff and volunteers have often been involved, at least to some degree. In the cases where hospice was involved, they were generally brought in at the last few days/weeks of life, primarily to help manage pain and offer some comfort to the survivors. And I will never be able to sufficiently express my gratitude for their marvelous work!

When we received Bill’s ALS diagnosis, we did a lot of soul searching. We suddenly found ourselves facing a lot of questions about death and dying. And….facing a question neither of us planned to discuss at only 23 years into our relationship. I’m not sure when we planned to have the conversation exactly, but I promise you, it wasn’t then! And from a now experienced vantage point, questions like “How do you feel about death?”, “What is quality of life for you?”, “Do you want to be buried or cremated or something else?”, “ What kind of funeral would you like to have?” need to be brought up sooner than later. Yikes!

As I write, I am so grateful for the counsel of Dr. Will North, one of the finest human beings I have ever met, and a darned good neurologist! During one of our early visits, with Will, Bill needed to know the particulars of what the last few hours and minutes of his life might be like. Not an especially surprising curiosity from a guy who had spent a most of his career in rescue situations and had seen his share of death. Me….I started to squirm and look for the exit route, knowing full well there is no escape, either from ALS or this particular conversation. Damn!

With his characteristic candor and amazing bedside manner, Dr. North walked us through what the final days and hours would likely bring for Bill. Turns out that the ONLY kind thing about ALS is that in most cases, it allows the patient a very peaceful passing and I can report that is what happened for us. Once Dr. North had satisfied all of Bill’s technical questions, he broached the subject of hospice and wrote out a prescription, with the understanding that we could “fill” it whenever we were ready. I remember our walk back to the car and ride home as exceptionally quiet as we each processed this new information.

I don’t remember who finally broke the silence but it was as if each of us was waiting for the other and finally couldn’t stand it anymore! We agreed that we were too early for hospice – Bill was still walking at this point – but we agreed that when the time came, we wanted hospice involved.

To be continued….

The Oyster and the Pearl

2009-11-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

by: Janey Frazier

Saturday I will say goodbye to my left breast. It’s only been three weeks since my breast cancer diagnosis, yet the “before” time seems a world away. I’ve gone through the expected emotions – fear, grief, acceptance, more fear, more grief, and so on. But in some ways it has been a good time – I did not know I had such supportive friends and family members. They have rallied around me in every possible way. And my husband has confirmed that he is, in fact, the incredibly strong, courageous, loving man I married – we are tackling this challenge as a team.

I have always had a strong faith at the center of my life. I don’t attend Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, etc. services, but I have an unshakable belief in a higher power. And I have always believed that the real me is not the body that perishes at the end of this life. I may not know how it works, but I believe that we continue on after this life has ended.

So that brings me back to my breast. It’s been a good breast and I will grieve its loss. But I do not fear the change to my body. My body is just the house I’m renting for this “season” of my life – I don’t own it and like even the best rental, the lease will eventually come to an end. I will take the best possible care of my body (I always have). I will face this challenge and I will survive this disease. But I will also remember that my body is just housing – no matter what happens to it, I will remain safe and strong within.

I am not my body.

I am not the oyster.

I am the pearl inside…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wanhoff/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Wow....what a ride!

2009-11-12T20:37:00.000-08:00

The last 30 days have brought a whirlwind of change into my life....some good (my best friend got married, a new tech contract, new work mates, new routines), and some where it may take me a little time to find the good...but I know it's there! In my younger days, I would have just powered through and found myself very run down and more vulnerable to infection. I've heard it said that the definition of insanity is "to do the same things, in the same way, and expect different results!"

One of the biggest changes is that my friend Janey (you met her last month) received a breast cancer diagnosis. I have to admit that those of us closest to her are pretty shaken. She has asked to be a guest writer to this blog and share her story as it unfolds. Of course I agreed and the first installment will publish tomorrow. Please hold good thoughts and send good wishes her way as she prepares for surgery this Saturday.

November is National caregivers month, and no discussion of caregiving would be complete (in my opinion) without a brief chat on self care! In order to be available for others, you must "fill up" and make sure you have some reserves to share. For once, I have followed my own advice!!! In order to cope with all of this change, I've had to really pare down and take care of myself. I'm not sure that I've done the best job, but I know that in the past 2 weeks, I've been much calmer about the changes in my life and feel more serene....so I guess that's good!

So...caregiving for me is to:

stop and admit that there is a whole lot going on
learn the fine art of saying no, or not now (at least until I've restored a little balance)
stick to the priorities and cut out all of the "nice to have" or "nice to do" tasks/events
get a massage!!
get to bed early, every night!
take my vitamins and extra emergen-C
read and reflect on the messages in the Daily OM
catalog my blessings in my gratitude journal, every night
just breathe!

How do you take care of yourself? Please share your thoughts.

November is National Caregiver Month!

2009-11-03T22:20:00.000-08:00

Welcome to November! This month we honor caregivers, and traditionally we think of caregivers as those who assist anyone with chronic or catastrophic illness. I’ve had that job! It is hard work, but can also bring great joy. To honor caregivers everywhere, the Heart of Hope bracelet benefiting Hospice and Care giving Programs debuts this month. It’s a beautiful combination of dusk sky and evergreen crystals. The prototype has received rave reviews!

This month, I’d like to expand the definition of care giving. As I did my research, I was amazed at how quickly my own horizons broadened. Here are just a few of the many caregivers in my life that I would like to publicly thank!

I LOVE my vet clinic! Seriously! For more than 20 years, Dr. Lenz, Dr. Bedros, Loretta and the rest of the staff have helped me through all of life’s ups and downs as I tried to be a good pet parent. Not only have they cared for my pets, but they have cared for me personally, by cheking in on me to make sure I was OK, and sending sympathy cards when I’ve lost one of my furry companions.

The majority of us find a hairdresser or barber and stick with them until they quit, retire or die. And I daresay most of us are very unhappy to have to look for a new one?! Month after month, they keep the threads of life straight for a myriad of customers. They celebrate all of the important moments in our lives and make sure we look our best. I am truly grateful to Alisa, who is responsible for my "red" and makes it very easy for me to put my best foot forward...on any occasion.

I am very fortunate to live in Northern California where the public transit is extensive, reasonably priced and very reliable. Every day, the WestCat bus drivers take the lives of thousands of riders into their hands and manage to dodge surly drivers, crazy motorcyclists and potholes the size of small lakes to deliver us safely to a designated spot, on time, making countless trips each day. Train operators herd thousands more into the equivalent of oversized tuna cans, And most of the time they manage to do it with a smile! I owe my sanity to these quiet and courageous road warriors!

Consider the barista who remembers that you take soy and honey in your morning chai latte, even if you don’t show up every single day – Thank you Laura, Belina and Jenn! In addition to my budding career as an artist/blogger, I work in technology, helping to build better software. I just finished a contract at Genentech and there is an amazing cafeteria on my campus – one that would make even the most serious foodies take notice! Steve and Dwayne and their team mates work hard to feed 500+ employees – around the clock. They have a wide variety of healthy alternatives (think...very proud moms!) to choose from, every day, catering to a very diverse customer base, culturally and in food preferences. And like good caregivers, they each listened – tailoring cafeteria style eating into a personal dining choice. Extraordinary!

There are more…lots more! Pastors, nurses, childcare workers, grocery baggers, garbage collectors (where would we be without them!?). I think care giving can be re-framed as “giving care” and that can apply to so many people in your life. So…who takes care of you? Take a minute to post a thank you here!

5 October Insights

2009-10-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that Halloween is here and we're officially in the countdown to the holidays! I LOVE this time of the year. The air is crisp and so are the apples! The landscapes are a riot of color and...we get an extra hour of sleep (clocks "fall back") tomorrow! As Thanksgiving approaches, I'm grateful for some of the insights gained this month. Here's what I know for sure...

Breasts need regular tending! As an owner, it is my responsibility to take the steps necessary to protect my health. So I will continue to do my monthly self exams and schedule my annual birthday trek to the radiologist to be contorted into poses that would make a pretzel jealous! All to keep me and "the girls" healthy. I hope you will do the same!
Self esteem can be fragile. The words we hear, beginning at a very young age all come together to form our self image. It doesn't take much to crush someone's self worth, but there are concrete steps we can each take to strengthen our self image. In the meantine, it's worth remembering that words matter - especialy the ones we choose to describe or speak to, ourselves. The sub-consicous mind cannot take a joke. Choose your words carefully. Choose to lift up, rather than tear down.
Safety is personal. Know the warning signs that you or someone you care about may be in a destructive relationship. Be alive, awake, conscious and aware of your surroundings, friendships and what/who you listen to. It just might save your life.
Time is a gift. In the fast paced world we live in, if feels difficult sometimes to slow down. It's all perception! Catastrophic illness diagnosis forces you to slow down and make the time to examine what is truly important. I firmly believe that it's also a wake up call to each of us when a friend receives a diagnosis. There are ways to help and encourage your friend and in the process, give yourself a gift that money cannot buy.
Friendship is the most precious gift. I consider myself quite fortunate to have many friends. My richest blessings are truly my girlfriends! I asked several friends to share their stories this month. Janey, Katie and Lynda were honest and selfless. Thank you! I hope they have inspired and encouraged you to write your own story....maybe you'll share it here!!? I took a few minutes today to re-read each post and am reminded of what I appreciate in each of these amazing women. As I write this, I smile and offer a silent prayer for their continued good health and presence in my life, knowing that everything can change in an instant.

Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement!! November is National Caregivers and Hospice/Palliative Care month, and 3 new Heart of Hope bracelets will make their debut. So much to cover...so little time!

Cool runnings - Peace be the journey!

Photo Credit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/buffalopundit/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

If we tell them...

2009-10-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

Some people don't know

how important it is that they exist...
how great they are as a colleague...
how good it is just to see them...
how comforting their smile is...
that their laughter is like a healing tonic...
how much we have benefited from their encouragement...
how good it feels just to be near them...
that one hug from them makes us feel like we can do ANYTHING...
how much poorer we would be without them...
how much richer our lives are for their presence...
that they are like Heaven's gift to us....

They would know if we told them...like I'm telling you! Don't hold back. Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you...today!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrpattersonsir/ / CC BY 2.0

Movie Corner - October

2009-10-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

Like suicide, cancer (in general) and breast cancer (in particular) doesn't seem to be the stuff of Hollywood. Although there are so many women who live/work under the bright lights of the entertainment industry, who have bravely shared their cancer stories. Sheryl Crowe and Melissa Etheridge jump quickly to mind. I admire both women for not letting cancer define who they are as human beings or as artists.

I will say that there are more movies about the topic than I expected. My GoodSearch search netted a couple of good leads. The first is a blogpost by Michelle Kung: Chemo Style on the Big Screen: Top 10 Picks for Cancer Movies. Based on her descriptions, I have added "Pieces of April" (2003) and "Blow Dry" (2001) to my Netflix queue. Of the movies reviewed, Patch Adams, starring Robin Williams is one of my favorites. Not mentioned, but a wonderful movie about cancer, friendship and carrying on is "Calendar Girls", proving once again that girlfriends and laughter are a great source of healing. The second is a post by Jacki Donaldson, discussing "In the Land of Women", starring Meg Ryan. I like Olympia Dukakis and Meg Ryan, so that's in the queue as well!

So....I'm thinking that popcorn may not be a great diet addition for chemo patients. But since I have no personal knowledge, I'm willing to be open minded and would love to hear from you, the experts. Can you, in fact enjoy popcorn if you are undergoing chemotherapy? Let me know!

Suicide Prevention - a follow up

2009-10-28T01:05:00.000-07:00

We are very fortunate in the San Francisco Bay Area to have KQED Radio a wonderful NPR station with a variety of programs covering topics as diverse as our culture. I got a late start to the office yesterday and listened to FORUM, hosted by Michael Krasny, a program I normally miss. The topic discussed was the recent cluster of four teen suicides in Palo Alto, CA.

Dr. Philippe Rey, a psychiatrist and panel guest, discussed many of the issues facing teens today and gave concrete suggestions for parents and friends, sharing ways to engage adolescents and young adults, as well as how to have the "difficult" conversation. My takeaway...seems better to ask "have you thought about suicide" and risk the rolled eyes/ire of your teen, than to avoid the question, assume all is well and live with the potential loss and associated guilt. While not an easy topic to discuss, I was struck by the sensitivity and candor of the panel members, guests and Mr. Krasny. I heard a sense of urgency from Christine Dunn, the CalTrain representative, to identify safety issues and minimize opportunistic suicide, while balancing the financial/business needs of a public transportation agency. I also sensed compassion from all of the panel members for the call-in guests who each had a brief story to share about someone they lost to suicide. And, as always, I learned something new.

Like so many other NPR programs, FORUM is recorded and available for download as a podcast usually within 24-48 hours of the original program. Check the FORUM program page.

Tue, Oct 27, 2009 -- 9:00 AM Teen Suicide
"Caltrain is investigating the fourth teen suicide on the train tracks near Palo Alto in less than a year. We explore ways to identify an anxious or depressed adolescent, and discuss how parents and communities can respond."

Here are some additional resources courtesy of the FORUM page:

Adolescent Counseling Services
Family and Children Services
Grief support and education
American Association of Suicidology Registration begins in December for the 43rd American Association of Suicidology Annual Conference "Families, Community Systems and Suicide". Scheduled for April 21st - 24th, 2010 at the Hilton Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL. Please see their conference page for additional details.

Action through Advocacy – Domestic and Family Violence

2009-10-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last month I posted Action Through Advocacy. Getting involved in the legislative process for a cause you care about is a positive way to channel emotional energy and make a difference. If you are a survivor, are currently battling breast cancer or would like to make your voice heard, join with others who are working to affect public policy.
This will sound like a broken record, but it bears repeating! Once you are an advocate, here’s what you can reasonably be expected to do:

Educate yourself – become familiar with the strategy and current objectives of the advocacy program
Educate others – know your story and share it as needed. Encourage those within your sphere of influence to join you.
Respond – write or speak when requested and be alert to opportunities where you can educate and inform elected officials concerning domestic and family violence.

Next step….take a minute today to learn more about the Advocacy and Public Policy efforts of the following organizations:

National Coalition against Domestic Violence

Peace Over Violence

The Children’s Aid Society

American Academy of Family Physicians

or Google the following key words – Domestic violence, advocacy, public policy - to find the right opportunity to channel your energy. As always, please share your findings, so that we can all learn!

Photo by Marnie Webb

http://www.flickr.com/photos/marniewebb/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

LinkedIn to Breast Cancer Awareness Groups

2009-10-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

LinkedIn is almost as popular as Facebook and an excellent professional networking tool. I found a number of LinkedIn communities who are working to raise breast cancer awareness. Reminder: To access/join any of these groups, you must have a LinkedIn Profile and be logged in. To log in or create a profile, please visit the LinkedIn website.

The National Breast Cancer Foundation mission is to save lives by increasing awareness of breast cancer through education and by providing mammograms for those in need. NBCF accomplishes this mission through our initiatives, such as the National Mammography Program (NMP), Beyond the Shock educational video, MyNBCF online community, and the Early Detection Plan. NBCF programs provide women help for today and hope for tomorrow.

Pink Cures was started by an 11-year old girl, Tara, whose friend lost her mother to breast cancer, and Tara's mom. Together they make and sell breast cancer jewelry and gifts, and donate 100% of the proceeds to breast cancer research.

Triple Negative Breast Cancer's mission is to raise awareness of triple negative breast cancer and to support scientists and researchers in their effort to determine the definitive causes of triple negative breast cancer, so that effective detection, diagnosis, prevention and treatment can be pursued and achieved.

Feeling the Pink - Breast Cancer Awareness. The group is about educating men and women about self breast examinations and healthy breast issues. The message that Early Detection Saves Lives needs to be promoted. In 2005 Breakthrough Breast Cancer carried out a Boob survey where thousands of women were asked if they had checked their breasts within the past 28 days..82 % said that they had not and 47% alarming said they did not know how to undertake a self examination.This group will address those issues.

Back in the Swing is the first and only national nonprofit organization providing grassroots awareness, education and fundraising on behalf of the more than 2 and a half million breast cancer survivors in the United States to empower them to get back in the swing of life physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I (Diana Whaley Magers) started a group of Breast Cancer Awareness called Fight Like a Girl. I would like for you and your friends to join and maybe get an discussion going of your topic of interest on how to deal with and giving support to women that suffer with this disease. Thank you very much.

Please note: The descriptions above were taken directly from the LinkedIn group page for each group.

Gift Giving – a New Perspective

2009-10-23T17:42:00.000-07:00

Giving gifts is a time honored tradition in almost every culture. We celebrate milestones like birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduation, bar/bat mitzvahs, Quincineras, engagements, new babies and more with gifts. Winter holidays such as Kwanzaa, Hanukkah and Christmas are typically ALL about the gifts! And Hallmark has worked hard to set aside specific days to honor our admins, grandparents, friends, mothers, fathers, valentines, sweethearts and more, all in an effort to get us into the gift 9and card!) giving mood. I hope that you will keep the Heart of Hope bracelets on your list as your favorite "go to" gift for any occasion. But today, I want to re-frame the custom of giving gifts...just a little!

As I get older, I realize how materially blessed my family, friends and I are. We really don't "need" anything and I often joke that NEED is a very relative concept! Instead, there will be times when we really need to give the gift of time to someone we love. Time?! You may have someone in your life who is battling with a catastrophic or potentially life threatening disease like breast cancer, or has escaped an abusive relationship. It may even be you! These events are not typical milestones to celebrate, but I believe we may want to reconsider the definition of "typical" and celebrate these precious moments!!

But how do you give a gift of time and make it special? How do you offer your services and have the intended recipient actually accept the help offered, in the spirit it was offered? I was discussing this with some friends a while back and we all agreed that it's tough to accept help gracefully! Together, we came up with a lovely solution - a way to turn an offer of time and/or service into something that the recipient can intellectually accept with grace. when you think about it, if someone you cared about, took the time to wrap up a gift and give it to you, you wouldn't turn it down. You just wouldn't!

Whatever the occasion, the Project Gift Box is perfect for someone who needs help and not "stuff". You can go solo, or better yet, get together with several friends to create a customized gift.

Step 1 - Create the Box

Find a medium sized gift box with a lid. Green tip: Recycle an old gift box!
Go all out and decorate it to your heart's desire! Wrapping paper, ribbon, glitter, the works! Add uplifting messages.
Wrap the box and the lid separately.
Find 4 - 5 different colors of paper and cut into 3" x 3" squares - Medium sized PostIt notes are the perfect size and don't require cutting! The colors correspond to the amount of time which can be donated for any given offer (e.g. 15-30 min., 1-2 hours, 3+ hours, etc)
Tape one slip of each color, with the time allotment, to the inside of the lid (as a reminder)

Step 2 - Add the Gifts

Think about household projects/chores that can be shared/delegated. (See suggestions below). There are chores that probably need/should be done by the recipient, but does it really matter who rakes the leaves or cleans the cat box?
Estimate how much time the task will take and jot it onto the corresponding slip of paper.
Drop each of the tasks into the decorated box.
On a separate card, add the following message and include it with the box. "Whenever someone asks you "What can I do to help you?", ask them how much time they have and then ask them to pull a colored slip from this gift box. Then relax and appreciate this gift of time!"
Deliver the gift box to your friend!

That's it! What chores would you add to the Project Gift Box!

Cool Runnings - Peace be the journey.

Suggested Chores - you are limited by your own imagination!!!

Change the bed linens
Fold clean laundry
Assemble a grocery shopping list (look in the cupboards and learn the specific brands your friend buys)
Go grocery shopping
Put away groceries
Pull weeds
Read to the patient or a restless toddler
Help with homework
Walk the dog(s)
Clean the catbox, hamster cage, rabbit hutch, bird cage, goldfish bowl, etc.
Empty the dishwasher
Clean the toilet(s)
Mow the lawn
Take the car to the carwash
Follow your friend to the dealership/repair shop for auto servicing. Take them out for coffee while you wait.
drop off a bank deposit
Plant flowers/veggies
Clean the pool
Run the vacuum
Rake leaves
Clean the gutters
Carpool kids to school, soccer, dance lessons, etc.
Collect the trash/recycling and turn it in.
Pick up/Drop off a prescription or dry cleaning order.
Return library books, video rentals
Shovel snow
Hose off window screens

http://www.flickr.com/photos/thescott365/ / CC BY-NC 2.0

Develop and Share Your Story

2009-10-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

I'm really on a kick regarding stories. How to develop them and then looking for opportunities to share them. One of my late husband's favorite movie lines was from Mad Max...and while I could not find the exact quote, it goes something like: "we tells these tales, so we can remember".

Yesterday's post to Defeat ALS was Developing your Story - Tips and Tricks. It was specifically geared to developing a personal story around an ALS diagnosis. The biggest take away from the post is this: Your ultimate goal is to educate people about the disease, share your experience, talk about what the specific organization that you support does to help people with the disease. Then ask for help to honor you/your family member/your friend by supporting the good work done by that organization. I believe your focus on raising money to fund research/find a cure will ultimately help you speak with confidence.

I believe there are several versions of a personal story which need to be developed.

A personal history which is the War & Peace version of your story.
A basic narrative which is a synopsis of your circumstance. It would include the type of disease or condition, details concerning your diagnosis, your initial reaction(s) to your diagnosis, what have you learned about yourself as a result of your diagnosis, how you have been assisted by family, friends, support organizations and advice to other patients in your situation.
Finally, you need an "elevator" pitch. Which is your basic narrative condensed into 90 seconds. This is often used as an introduction when you are asked to speak, are attending a support group or meet with legislators in the context of an advocacy event. This is often the hardest to develop because you need to hit the "high notes" and pull the heart strings in one and a half minutes.

As I cruised the web for additional resources, I came across BreastCancerStories.org and want to share the link. It's a beautiful site with honest, authentic stories.

"What truly makes BreastCancerStories.org different from a traditional blog site is that the stories are all searchable by location, age, type of breast cancer / treatment, marital status, ethnic background and more. It's very therapeutic to find others going through a similar situation, read their stories and even connect with them directly through the website."

So...what's your story!?

Share the Care - Offering Help

2009-10-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, I wrote a post on my Defeat ALS blog entitled Ask for help / receive offers for help graciously. In it I wrote, "We are just not programmed to receive help. How often is it beat into our heads (from childhood!), “it is better to give than to receive”? Well, the truth is, somebody forgot to close the loop on this little axiom. If nobody receives, it makes it damn HARD to give!"

I attended a health care conference earlier this year and had a conversation with someone who helps organize friends/family members who want to help a loved one who is battling cancer. She agreed with my sentiment but shared a slightly different perspective. She said, I hear all the time "I would love to have some help! I want help, I know I need help, but with everything I'm trying to cope with, I can't always articulate what I need. The truth for me is that when you ask me "what can I do to help you?", the offer is so vague, my brain goes into overload and I just can't answer!" Hmmmmm. We finished our conversation and went our separate ways.

A bit later in the day, I walked into a card store and was immediately greeted with "May I help you?", and the "how can I help" conversation came rushing back...in a flood. I've had extensive sales training over the years, and the #1 taboo in sales is to greet a customer with "may I help you?" It's too overwhelming and immediately invites the customer to put up his/her defenses. (All together now..."no thanks, I'm just looking!") In that instant, I understood what my companion was trying to say about offers of help.

The same way I've taught my team members over the years to greet customers with ANYTHING but "that sentence" (I've actually levied fines to retrain my forgetful team members!!!), I thought it would be helpful to share some specific alternatives to "How can I help?". This is a "starter set" to consider. Just remember the goal....narrow down the options for the patient/caregiver - so that you are much more likely to get a positive, definitive answer and everyone wins!

   * I make a mean tuna cassarole and my family raves about my spaghetti. Which does your family prefer? (Obviously, insert your personal specialties!!!)
   * I am free to run the "kid shuttle" on Monday or Thursday. Which would be better for you?
   * I have an hour on Saturday to pull weeds or mow the lawn. Which chore would you like to delegate?
   *I can help you with household chores for about an hour - you know change beds, fold laundry, etc. How about Tuesday evening around 7 or Wednesday after 3?
   *I can take the kids Friday or Saturday night for a sleepover, which works best for you?

You get the idea! PLEASE add to this list by posting your suggestions!

Another alternative: Don't ask - just DO! Most of these suggestions require little or no planning and best of all, you can do them whenever YOU have the time, energy and inclination! Please keep your friend's temperament and your relationship in mind!! A word of caution...in the interest of fair disclosure: following any of these next suggestions is potentially risky! However, I am reasonably certain that even the most die-hard individualists would appreciate it if you were to:
--Wash a car left in the driveway.
--Shovel the driveway
--Safely, with a buddy, clear the gutters. or...
--Wash the outside windows. or...
--Take your kids, a couple of rakes and some big trash bags and just rake the leaves in your friend's yard. or...Trim the hedges. or....
--Mow the lawn. or...
--Deadhead/fertilize the roses. Other???

Your imagination is the only limit to building your Mitzvah list. Let me know how it goes!

Originally posted to Defeat ALS on May 21, 2009

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nicdalic/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Action through Advocacy for Breast Cancer

2009-10-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

Last month I posted Action Through Advocacy. Getting involved in the legislative process for a cause you care about is a positive way to channel emotional energy and make a difference. If you are a survivor, currently battling breast cancer or would like to make your voice heard, join with others who are working to affect public policy.
Remember, Once you are an advocate, here’s what you can reasonably be expected to do:

Educate yourself – become familiar with the strategy and current objectives of the advocacy program
Educate others – know your story and share it as needed. Encourage those within your sphere of influence to write their story and join you.
Respond – write or speak when requested and be alert to opportunities where you can educate and inform elected officials concerning breast cancer or overall breast health.

Next step….take a minute today to learn more about the Advocacy and Public Policy efforts of the following organizations

National Breast Cancer Coalition

American Cancer Society

Susan G. Komen for the Cure Advocacy Alliance

SHARE Self help for Women with Breast or Ovarian Cancer

or Google the following key words – breast cancer, advocacy, public policy - to find the right opportunity to channel your grief/anger. As always, please share your findings, so that we can all learn!

Breast Self Exam – Why and How it should be done

2009-10-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

The truth is, the odds of getting breast cancer are certainly stacked in favor of the disease. Here are just a few of the statistics taken from the BreastCancer Facts and Figures 2007-2008, a report produced by the American Cancer Society, which should inspire you to do a breast self exam AT LEAST once a month. Honestly, just about any statistic on breast cancer that you could EVER want to know is contained in this very comprehensive report. Here are a few highlights.

Each year, approximately 240,000 women and 2000 men will receive a breast cancer diagnosis. Yes…while rare, men do get breast cancer.
Almost 75% of the time, a woman will hear that the cancer is invasive, to varying degrees, meaning that it has spread to surrounding tissue or other organs. The rest will be only somewhat relieved to hear the words in situ, meaning their cancer is all in one place, well contained, and has not spread.
17% of women will lose their battle and die while a whopping 25% of men will be lost to Breast Cancer. Only lung cancer accounts for more deaths in women.

So….now that I’ve sufficiently scared you into checking your breasts each month (I have, haven't I??!), what’s next?

Make a date with your breasts.

Seriously! Pick a date, any date of the month and circle it on the calendar. I do mine on the 10th of each month – which is my birth date and easy to remember. Some suggest the first or last day of the month, but the point is to pick a date and stick with it. Once a month should be fine if you are post menopausal, but if you are still menstruating, you will want to get and be familiar with your breasts during different times of your cycle. Keep this date with yourself...do not blow it off. Encourage the men in your life to do the same - especially if there is any breast cancer family history!

Know the mechanics.

I have a card that hangs in my shower to remind me of the actual mechanics of self exam. There are many options available [Google breast self exam, shower cards], but the least expensive one I found is sold by the American Institute for Preventative Medicine. They offer a shower-ready card made of 100% recycled material with handy reminder punch-outs for $2 each (less if you buy in bulk). Both in-shower and out of shower steps are covered on the card. I think these cards would make a great gift for every woman in your life which could easily be enclosed in a holiday, birthday or thank you card!!! HR Managers out there, you can also order them with company imprints.

Know what you’re looking for.

Now that you know HOW to check, what exactly are you looking for? eHow – How to do just about anything has an easy to read set of early warning signs that I use.

In general, early warning signs fall into a couple of big buckets, but any of the following, should prompt you to get an appointment with your doctor as soon as is practical. DON’T HESITATE. It’s much better to find out that a lump is nothing to worry about, than to ignore it, hoping it will go away, only to find out that you’ve got a big problem on your hands.

Lumps are normal in breasts! Be wary if you find anything unusual in the upper, outer quadrant of your breast or directly behind the nipple. WebMD has a useful guide to help you.
Skin Inflammation or change in texture – You’re looking for skin that is red/irritated, dimpled, puckered, scaly, or inflamed, particularly around the nipple.
Skin swelling – pay attention if you notice a change in the size, shape or contour of either breast.
Nipple discharge – clear or bloody discharge means get thee to the doctor pronto!

Last and certainly not least, beginning with your 40th birthday, sooner if there is a history of Breast Cancer in your family, schedule a regular mammogram. Mammograms are NOT fool proof and are not a substitute for regular self exam. I know several people who have discovered cancerous lumps that their mammogram missed! That said, mammograms are useful and just one more tool to help keep you safe, and can alert your doctor to changes in your breast health! I follow my own advice!! My annual mammogram is a present I give myself each year on or near my birthday. I schedule the exam as early in the day as possible and then spend the rest of the day doing whatever I want! There’s always a period of gratitude for the progress we’ve made to create awareness and tools for early detection and swift interventions.

To your health!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/iheartlinen/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

LinkedIn® Groups raising Domestic Violence and Breast Cancer awareness

2009-10-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

As I write this, there are 78 groups on LinkedIn® where like-minded professionals can gather to support each other and make a difference in the fight against Domestic Violence, and 152 groups dedicated to Breast Cancer awareness. I am especially impressed with the caliber of the discussion boards and links to resources within these groups. I've listed just a few examples, there are MANY others and I'm sure you can find one which might be just right for you! Reminder: To access/join any of these groups, you must have a LinkedIn Profile. To log in or create a profile, please visit the LinkedIn website.

Domestic Violence Awareness

Domestic Violence and Homelessness The DVH group consists of web site owners taking action to help homelessness caused by domestic violence.
Not Without My Pet is committed to promoting the safety and well-being of both human and animal victims of domestic violence.
Silent Witness Initiative is an international organization that honors and remembers the women, men & children who are murdered each year in acts of domestic violence
To access a full listing of DV related groups on LinkedIn, please click here.

Breast Cancer Awareness

Susan G. Komen (For the Cure) is the world's largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists fighting to save lives, empower people, ensure quality care for all and energize science to find the cures!
The Winning Woman Network – everything with style! A Winning Woman has a good sense about herself. She knows what's important, what she wants out of life, and how she will get it. Most of all, there is a sense of peace within that gives her the confidence that regardless how many obstacles she may face, she is not alone and can share this journey with others - with a winning attitude, she is a Winner!
breastcancer.org is dedicated to providing the most reliable, complete and up-to-date information about breast cancer. Our mission is to help women and their loved ones make sense of the complex medical and personal information about breast cancer so they can make the best decisions for their lives.
"Some Days..." Book For The Cure Andy Koehn is on a mission to raise money to support and fund the breast cancer initiatives of the Susan G. Komen For The Cure foundation. He wrote a simple book in the wake of his wife's stage iv breast cancer diagnosis to help his children learn the simple but often difficult concept of "acceptance."
Save the Eggs Our mission is to secure funds for women unable to cover the expense of saving their eggs when faced with the possibility of infertility due to chemo therapy--specifically in the treatment of Breast Cancer.
Click here for a full listing of LinkedIn groups related to breast cancer awareness.

Buffing up a battered Self-Esteem

2009-10-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me the other day "Are you always so positive?!" I had to think about it for a second, but my answer was (and is!) "Yes....for the most part I am." That got me thinking about resiliance. You know...how to get back into the batter's box when life hurls the inevitable fast or curve ball, and it hits you. Too bad we can't just throw down the bat and take a base! Nope, we have to stay at the plate and keep swinging. Baseball metaphors aside, I thought about the tools I use and of course, the universe provided the answer, as I was cleaning out an old file drawer.

I found this list a number of years ago and fell in love. It's concise, easy to follow and reminds me to appreciate the very special gifts that only Kathie can bring to this game called life. Each year as I review the year and set new goals, I take a look at this list and do a self assessment. Whether you are struggling with a life threatening disease, trying to make your way back from an abusive situation or simply trying to figure out why you are here, I am confident that following these few exercises will help keep you at the plate and swinging away!

Cultivate self-appreciation. Write a list of your top seven qualities as these are what make you unique onto a 3 x 5 index card. Carry the card with you every day and read them several times a day (out loud is best!) to remind yourself of who you are and what makes you special. And you ARE....special.
Write a list of past successes. Think about the times in your life when you've been successful at something. Write a list of all of these and remind yourself of how you did this and how great it felt when you'd achieved your goals. Use these past experiences to fuel your self-belief and confidence for achieving your goals now.
Don't engage in negative dialogue. Don’t put yourself down in front of others as it succeeds to tell you and everyone else that you don’t value yourself and have a low self-confidence. The sub-concious mind cannot take a joke, so negativity sinks in really deep. Be careful who you hang around with and limit your exposure to negative media.
Support yourself and put yourself first. Be your own best friend. Don’t beat yourself up and call yourself names. Be encouraging and congratulate yourself when you complete actions moving towards your healthier lifestyle goal. This will help your self-worth soar.
Choose positive role models. By looking at others in a constructive way rather than negatively comparing, we can help ourselves. Look at others with a glowing self-confidence and notice their characteristics. Pick up words and body language that they use and add this to your own repertoire. You are the company you keep. Your friends are a reflection of what you believe your true nature to be.
Accept Compliments. Being able to accept, believe and feel good about accepting compliments is crucial to cultivating a high self-confidence. The best way to accept compliments is to look the person in the face, smile and say "thank you". And that's all! This will in turn also make them feel good. Looking embarrassed, and feeling uncomfortable will also make them feel uncomfortable.
Banish negative beliefs. What are your negative beliefs and how have your negative beliefs held you back so far? Write them down. Cross them out and make a pact to add nothing else to the list. Then, for each negative belief write down one of the positive beliefs you developed in the first exercise.
Adjust your body language. Stand tall. Head up, shoulders back, belly in...strong from the core. Having good posture tells your mind, and others, that you’re looking good and feeling confident. I love the line from Trading Places, the Dan Ackroyd/Eddie Murphy movie. "Looking good Billy Ray!" "Feeling good Billy Ray!" Say it out loud. Yes...you'll probably laugh, but you will also feel great!
Use positive affirmations. Using positive affirmations everyday is effective as you’re communicating with the negative thoughts stored in your sub-conscious. Pick three strong statements, which literally make a negative self-belief into a positive one. For example, if you believe you’re not a confident person then “I am a confident person” should be one of the positive affirmations that you say every day. Say your positive affirmations out loud while looking in the mirror and connect with yourself. If you need help with this, there is a fabulous deck of cards written and produced by Louise Hay, one of my favorite authors. Check the link below - it's worth the investment.
Redefine your self-image. You are who you THINK you are. Think about and write up who you are now. Identify the bits you want to change and rewrite a definition of your self-image. Read this everyday for the next three weeks at least and be that person. Prepare for the changes you are going to make and the new you by throwing out your old clothes and thinking about how best to dress your new self. Then go shopping!

Batter up! How do you work on, polish up your self image? Please share your best tips/tricks.

Tweet to raise Breast Cancer Awareness!

2009-10-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm getting the hang of it, Twitter, and more specifically Tweeting is fun! I still have a lot to learn, but I've been introduced to a wealth of resources I had no idea even existed. Here are a few of the breast cancer community Tweeps (people who Tweet) I follow:

@Wigscom @pinkribbonprog @Breastcancerorg @cancerandcareer @FightPink @malebreastcancr @BCsurvivors @thepinkribbon @KomenCentValley @WRFTC @ArmyofWomen

There are also some great general cancer Tweeps sharing information and ideas:

@cancerandcareer @oncologyjournal @cure_magazine @NFCR @cancercures @goodprnews @CancerInfoHQ @ACSNews @SU2C @planetcancer

I've also learned about caregiving, clinical trials and patient empowerment by following:

@Carebuzz @patientpower @PharmaInsider @NHSChoices @CenterWatch

Hashtags are a community-driven convention for adding additional context and metadata to your tweets. Used sparingly and respectfully, hashtags can provide useful context and cues for recall, as well as increased utility for the track feature. Used excessively can cause annoyance, confusion or frustration, and may lead people to stop following you. It's best to use hashtags explicitly when they're going to add value, rather than on every word in an update. Here are some Hashtags I have used to find general and breast cancer related conversations: #blamedrewscancer #breastcancer

Enter "Breast Cancer" into the Twitter search and you are quickly immersed in a stream of Tweets.

Please help me grow the list by sharing your Tweeps!

October Blog Roll

2009-10-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

The most fascinating part of joining the blogosphere (yep...that's the term!) is just how many people are out "there" writing about just about EVERYTHING! From one of my favorite Tweeps, badbanana (aka Tim Siedell) "14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That's a lot of new blogs."

Even though I am currently employed, each month I search the blogosphere for the interesting voices for the topics that have my attention. My criteria is completely arbitrary, but the writer needs to "speak to me" and hold my attention. Reading the rantings, raves, muses and postings of others takes some time, but is a great way to get a number of different viewpoints to help frame and inform my own.

Here is my October honor roll:
Domestic Violence and the Workplace is written by Kim Wells. Kim's the Executive Director of the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence (CAEPV). Her style is similar to mine, informative, journalistic and full of references. I added her to my Google Reader list after reading her post "What are YOU Doing for Domestic Violence Awareness Month? (Or...Where is All the Purple?)" a thoughtful and thought provoking piece about the history of Breast Cancer and where Domestic Violence can (and should!) be if we all raise our collective conscience and voice. Kim seems to be a fellow social media junkie/student, looking for and sharing new and creative ways to raise awareness for her cause. Check out Wedding Video Now a Tool to Fight Domestic Violence. Kim gives props to a couple who have chosen to use their newfound YouTube fame for good. I'm definitely a traditionalist when it comes to weddings, but this was fun to watch!

my Breast Cance blog is written by Jacki Donaldson. Interspersed with very personal observations on her own cancer (Dear Doctor), are links to inspiring personal stories (Strength of a Rose), updates on healthcare services (Mammogram Bus Rolling Through Puerto Rico) and links to cool products (BondiBand - Fashion Meets Function Meets Cancer).

People Working to End Violence Against Women is affiliated with the White Ribbon Campaign in Toronto Canada. WRC is the largest effort in the world of men working to end men's violence against women. You can also follow the writer on Twitter @whiteribbon. I love the actual URL for this collection "our future has no violence against women".

Last, but certainly not least is the Breast Cancer Reconstruction Blog written by Minas Chrysopoulo MD. "Breast cancer is the leading cancer affecting American women. Almost any woman who loses her breast to cancer can have it rebuilt through plastic surgery. This breast reconstruction blog was created to introduce women to the latest reconstructive procedures available. Women who have faced this ordeal are encouraged to share comments that may help others following in their footsteps. " As you might guess, this blog is medically oriented but does a good job of taking a lot of the mystery out of medicine. I really appreciated his October 6th post Scar Healing - Tips For (Almost) Invisible Scars, good, common sense advice for any type of scarring.

Organized as a web page for a research project, Male Breast Cancer 101 tackles the rare by equally frightening world of Male Breast Cancer.

OK....that's my list. Who are your favorite bloggers? Who do you go to for information and stories on breast cancer and domestic violence awareness/survival?

October Book Recommendations

2009-10-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

I will have to read fast this month! I have two new "books" in my Kindle covering domestic violence and breast cancer awareness. Both are stories of survival and the new road forged by the author following difficult, life threatening situations. I look forward to reading their stories!

It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock. This is the Amazon.com product description.

"Those who have never experienced an abusive or violent relationship often believe that upon finding their way out, victims' difficulties are solved: their life is good, they are safe, and recovery will be swift. However, survivors of abuse know that leaving is not the end of the nightmare; it is the beginning of a difficult journey toward healing and happiness. It's My Life Now offers readers the practical guidance, emotional reassurance, and psychological awareness that survivors of relationship abuse and domestic violence need to help them heal and reclaim their lives after leaving their abusers. Since its publication in 2000, It's My Life Now has been highly successful as a working manual for survivors who are starting their lives over after an abusive relationship, combining guidance on practical and emotional issues with worksheets and self-exploration exercises. In the second edition, Dugan and Hock include updated information and resources while encompassing a wider range of individuals."

Five Lessons I Didn't Learn From Breast Cancer (And One Big One I Did) by Shelley Lewis is my second choice for October. She had me at "Dear God, WTF...." on the first page. Again, from the Amazon.com product description:

"An irreverent, funny, compassionate look at what having breast cancer means—and what it doesn’t. From the pink ribbons to the websites that sell related accessories and stuffed animals, breast cancer has morphed from a disease to an experience. And at every step of the way, society tells women that this experience can teach them profound lessons and maybe even give them a peek at the meaning of life. But what if it doesn’t? A wonderful interweaving of the author’s personal story, interviews with breast cancer survivors, and a sharp-eyed journalist’s look at the breast cancer “community,” this book is full of unconventional wisdom, unexpected advice, and hilarious observations about life inside the pink bubble."

And one final recommendation, shared by "Grammygail", one of my new readers.

"Thomas Edward knows first-hand the emotional and physical pain associated with sexual abuse and neglect. He understands what it’s like to suffer in silence with nowhere to turn. And he’s passionate about helping other male survivors heal from the aftermath of their abuse and move from surviving to thriving. Tom wrote "Healing a Man’s Heart", a workbook designed to help Christian men face, admit, and deal with their abuse. He says, “I wrote this workbook for men who are stuck just like I used to be—men whose hearts long to be set free, but fear dampens and steals any ray of hope.” His goal is for men to become comfortable addressing the issues within them and eventually arrive to a point of breaking the silence. Tom also conducts “Healing Broken Men” workshop retreats, which are great for participants to start or continue their healing in a safe, private, and supportive environment. Workshop sessions include losing the victim status, removing the fear factor, destroying lies and myths, repainting your picture with truth, and reclaiming God’s identity for you. For more information about Thomas Edward and his work, please visit his website."

Katie's Story

2009-10-13T01:00:00.000-07:00

Katie is regal, with a lovely, proper British lilt to her voice. In my humble opinion, the queen of England could take lessons in diplomacy, grace, and generosity from Katie! Our worlds were worlds apart, until I dodged a layoff bullet at CommerceOne and found safe haven in Katie's fast paced world of international partners. She helped me to grow as an employee, a team mate and as a human being. Over the years, she has championed my dreams as an artist, offering advice, encouragement, and cold, hard cash! She is one of my most loyal customers! In my experience it is rare when a manager/subordinate relationship results in a lasting, personal friendship. There is so much more I could say, but instead I will share with you that my life is infintely richer as a result of our friendship. Here is her breast cancer story.

"Breast cancer touched our life when our sister in law Susi was diagnosed and passed away two years later.

An annual mammogram identified a lump and even dispite having a painful biopsy I was Pollyanna and nothing was going to happen to me.

I was working for a start up company and traveling across the country between the biopsy and my diagnosis and really I just felt it was an inconvenience!

My surgeon assumed I knew but because of my travel I had not been home for the call from my doctor! I was not Pollyanna. I had breast cancer, I knew it killed and had a 4 year old daughter who would always have the risk. That was the most devastating moment. Noone can prepare you for it.

What I was also not prepared for was the outpouring of love and support from all points of my life. I discovered friendships that I know I will cherish for life and I realized that I had to live life to the full.

My cancer was stage 1 and detected very early. I had it removed and then did 7 weeks of radiation which they tell me has a very high success rate. Women have lives for another 30 years - that is not acceptable to me as I want the 50 year plan!!! I want to meet Elizabeth's grandchildren!!

I look back 18 months later and know that the diagnosis was also about my life and my priorities. I resigned from the start up and volunteered for a non-profit helping women-led, high growth companies. I am now working for Astia full time, still working hard but making a difference and Elizabeth understands what I do!!

I am thankful for the research but know we need to know more - I want a world where Elizabeth does not have to worry about Breast cancer as it is curable, and no families lose their Susi."

Tweeting Domestic Violence Awareness

2009-10-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

Twitter is a fun tool for quickly sharing information or plugging into a specific community. Here are the Tweeps I follow in the Domestic Violence prevention and awareness community:
@JoeTorreCharity @NDVH @violatorstop @NCADV @ClickToEmpower @datingviolence @MSPNY @PixelProject @abusesurvivors @MenSteppinUp @MenCanStopRape

These are some additional voices you may find interesting
@kidwritersclub @VoicesofWomen @HIJusticeCenter @WYCAMonterey @ cpedvcoalition @breakthecycleDV @FamilyJusticeSD @SafeHorizon @ dvep_at_msp @loveisrespect @MADEcoalition

The most useful hastags I found were #DVAM and #domestic violence.

Janey's Story - Part 3

2009-10-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

The great escape

I know, I know – it sounds melodramatic. However, at that time I thought of it just that way. In my mind, I was the hapless soldier in the movie, “The Great Escape,” and I was going to be hunted down and killed if I didn’t get it right.

It was a Tuesday morning in March – beautiful weather, nothing apparently amiss. Although I was terrified on the inside, I was cheerful during breakfast. I wished my husband a great day and kissed him good-bye at the door. He started the hour-long commute to his work, thinking I was fifteen minutes behind him on the way to mine.

I then waited the hour it would take him to reach his job. What if he came back because he forgot something? What if he felt ill on the commuter train and turned around? I couldn’t risk starting to pack until I knew he was safely at the other end. After an appropriate amount of time, I called a colleague and verified that my husband was there – he was. I asked that he not tell my husband I called and he agreed (even if he had told him, I had an hour head start).

Next I took out my list and packed every item in my little hatchback car. I had a dog and a cat (mine before the marriage) which I needed to drop off at my father’s house, two hours north of where I lived. I called my retired father and gave a short account of what was going on, promising more detail when I arrived. I then left a brief good-bye letter for my husband and headed for my Dad’s.

I stayed at my father’s house only a couple of hours. He understood why I couldn’t stay with him, thank goodness, and trusted that my colleague, Linda, was the best place to stay. So I left my dog, cat and keepsakes with him and got back on the road.

I arrived at Linda’s house, which was three and a half hours in the opposite direction, by early evening. I lived with her a little over three weeks. My boss at work was understanding, assuring me that my job was not in jeopardy and would be there for me when I returned. I spoke with my therapist several times during my stay. He contacted my husband and subsequently counseled me to stay away from both my hometown and my work. He said my husband was out of control and I should not risk contact. I waited until the therapist gave me the go-ahead before renting a small apartment and moving back near my work.

Moving on
I was lucky in so many ways. My husband’s behavior got him fired from his job and he left town. After he calmed down, my husband never tried to contact me. I had a good job to return to and supportive colleagues. The rebuilding process could begin.

This all happened over twenty years ago, but the experience was so intense that the memories seem crystal clear. And if you ask me right now who the most memorable people are in my life – guess who’s at the top of the list?

Reach out when it’s time to go – the Linda’s of this world are out there. I know I will never forget mine.

Janey's Story - Part 2

2009-10-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

Linda

The week following my decision to leave, I started working on the logistics of my escape. A major consideration was where to go – my husband knew all of our friends and would track me down if I went to any of them. I could not endanger them in that way.

Another consideration was my work – my husband knew where I worked. I was a middle manager in a large corporation in California. That week I was scheduled to go to a class in New York with a fellow manager. We were both California natives and had never seen New York, so we had already planned to go back two days early and site-see. We would then attend a three day class before returning home. I decided to go ahead with the class because it would give me time far away from home to plan in more detail.

I need to say now that no-one was aware of my situation – not my immediate family, close friends or work colleagues. This is typical of a battered woman – it feels embarrassing to admit what you are going through and you know that the response will be “leave him.” So until you are ready to leave, you keep it a secret. This is not healthy, but it’s the way it often is.

Back to the story - my colleague, Linda, and I flew off to New York. I didn’t know her well – we were in the same overall work group but were not working on the same project. We didn’t even know each other well enough to go to lunch together. So I was unprepared when, the second night we were there, while eating dinner in a very nice restaurant and talking about our site-seeing adventures, I suddenly found myself calmly telling her (a relative stranger) the whole unpleasant story. She was surprised, but listened supportively. She asked how she could help and I immediately responded that she really couldn’t do anything, but I appreciated her listening.

We returned from New York on a Saturday. On Monday morning I went to work, still in the midst of finalizing my plans. Around 9am, Linda suddenly appeared in my cubicle. She walked up and placed a key on the desk in front of me. She said simply, “When you are ready to leave, I want you to come to my house.” I was so shocked I don’t remember what I said in response. I only know that I agreed.

Think about this for a moment – I didn’t really know Linda and she didn’t really know me, yet she handed me the key to her home and invited me to stay with her. Because I had reached out to her with my story, she reached out to me with this wonderful offer. For those of you who are struggling with a decision to stay or to go, know that there are many such people out there. They may be your work colleagues or they may be the women at the local domestic violence organization, but you need to know they are there and you can reach out to them.

Back to the story – I now had a place to go. Linda was known to have the worst commute in our work group. She lived almost an hour and a half south of our workplace in a small sea-side town. She had resisted moving closer because she eventually wanted to live there full time. My husband didn’t know Linda – he’d never even heard of her. That meant her home was the perfect destination.

It was now one day before my escape.

Janey's Story - Part 1

2009-10-09T01:05:00.000-07:00

If you have visited the Kathie Lichtig Studio website, you've no doubt discovered that I feel very blessed to have some pretty amazing friends! I am particularly grateful for a merry band of women who have shaped me over the years, into who I am today.

Janey and I met about 12 years ago when her faxed resume came into the temp/recruiting office I worked for, briefly. The firm specialized in placing receptionists, admininstrative assistants and general temporary help. The task fell to me to call Janey and tell her that it would truly be a miracle if we received an employment req for a Process Engineer/Trainer with software development skills like hers. I stalled until I could no longer avoid the call and around 5PM, picked up the phone. My plan...thank her, offer to keep my ear to the ground and get off the phone as quickly as possible. Short, sweet, done!

An hour later I heard my own voice asking if she had ever considered recruiting. Janey asked great questions, listened and was completely engaging...qualities I appreciate and admire in her to this day! Long story short, she was hired and a professional friendship was launched.

Over the years, Janey and I have worked together on a number of projects, and I owe my successful leap from retail management to the technical/software development world to her patient instincts and rolodex. Colleague gave way to casual friend and along the way, as we shared our stories, hopes and dreams, deepened into the very rich, close friendship we enjoy today.

Janey and I have shared a lot over the years and our relationship is a gift I rarely take for granted. But until last night, I did not completely understand the life circumstances that came far too close to preventing this friendship. You see...my friend Janey almost lost her life to a batterer. Here, with her blessing and in her own words is the first part of her story.

Which story?

When I was asked to tell my story about domestic violence, my first thought was, which one? Should I tell the story of how my upbringing made me a good candidate for such a relationship? Or the story about my abuser and the cues I missed early on in the relationship? What about the relationship itself – would that be helpful for others to read about? Finally I decided that there may be many stories, but the one I share most is the story of how I left.

Leaving an abusive relationship is a sad and perilous journey. The abusive chapter of my life is one that changed me forever – for the better. My subsequent recovery from the abuse put me on a path to become a healthier, happier and more confident person.

First, a word to those of you who may be in a relationship that you know, or suspect, is abusive. Each person must make their own choice about when to move on. However, please know that your top priority should be your own safety and wellbeing. If that little voice in your head is telling you that you are in danger and it’s time to go, listen to it.

Letting go
I had known for some time that things were not going to turn around. My husband had agreed to go to couples counseling, but his violent moods continued to worsen. You’ve probably read about the cycle of violence – the abuser always feels sorry after an abusive incident and there is a “honeymoon period” when he is again the charming man you first met and when he promises it will never happen again. Then the next time it may actually be worse. I had reached the stage where he was threatening to kill me in the bad times. I contacted our therapist on my own and he said he believed I was in danger and, breaking from his advice of the past, he advised me to leave.

I knew the therapist was right. The little voice was louder than ever and I was afraid all the time. As is often the case, however, it was still over a month before I actually left. I followed the therapist’s advice and made a plan right away. I planned what to take with me, writing a list and hiding it where my husband would not look. I planned when to go – he had a long commute to work and when the time came, I would stay home, confirm that he had reached work, and then go. But I sat on the list and the plan, still hoping maybe, just maybe, things might get better. Even though the exchange between abuser and abused can’t be defined as love, if you’re talking about your husband, hanging on and trying to make things better feels like love to you.

It happened on a trip to visit friends some distance away. It was a windy, rainy night. He got lost trying to find our friends’ home and his anger at me immediately escalated. At one point, although I was not fighting back (it doesn’t matter), he again threatened my life…and something inside me shifted. It happened suddenly. I can’t say I was calm, but the fear was different – in that few moments, after two years of going from fear to hope to fear, I let go of hope. I don’t know if it’s because I’d had the discussion with the therapist or because I’d made the plan to leave, but my hope in the relationship ended that night and the fear was now tinged with determination. I said to myself if I survived the trip, I would implement my plan to leave. And the determination stayed – from that night on, all of my efforts shifted away from making things better and focused like a laser on one thing: escape.

Warning...Warning...this computer can leave footprints

2009-10-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

I currently make my mortgage payment by assisting business and technology teams as they develop requirements for software programs. It keeps the nerdy side of me happy!

As I did my research this month, I clicked a number of links that re-directed me to various websites. In 12+ years as a requirements analyst, I have never run across the warning messages pictured below. Nor have I had to take this type of warning into consideration as we worked to develop/implement our software projects. So I was surprised and filled with the ultimate professional respect for the web development teams when I read each of these messages.

Props to the teams at National DV Hotline, My Sister's Place, and the CA Partnership to end Domestic Violence for these warning messages that inform and allow the user to quickly change screens if necessary. These warning messages are the result of conscious decisions and deliberate action on the part of the teams responsible for user experience, and require a great deal of thought and programming to execute. I can only hope to emulate your commitment to excellence in my projects!

A Variety of Resources for Domestic Violence Awareness and Education

2009-10-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

Violence is a difficult subject to discuss. Sometimes it is happening right in front of you and you have no clue. Sometimes, the signs are more obvious. But we need to learn and have the difficult conversations. A life may depend on it. Here are just a few of the many resources I found online as I did my research this month.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline-vital link to safety for women, men, children and families affected by domestic violence. Responds to calls 24/7/365 Follow on Twitter: @NDVH
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence 2009 National Sponsor is AVENUE Stores. Check your local store during October for specific merchandise, with proceeds supporting NCADV. Follow on Twitter: @NCADV
Official Joe Torre Safe At Home Foundation - Educating To End The Cycle of Domestic Violence and Save Lives Follow on Twitter: @JoeTorreCharity
My Sister’s Place-NY - MSP brings a holistic approach to addressing the many and varied needs of domestic violence survivors and the root causes of family violence, which is the use or threat of force by one person in any intimate relationship to dominate and control the other person.

Workplace Education and Resources

CA Partnership to End Domestic Violence – The power of one, The strength of many.
Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence The Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence is a national nonprofit organization dedicated to reducing the costs and consequences of partner violence at work - and eliminating it altogether. From policies and programs to legal issues and legislation, CAEPV is a credible source for information, materials and advice.

Teens and Dating Violence

The Safe Space.org – The most comprehensive place on the web to learn about dating violence
Moms and Dads for Education to Stop Teen Dating Abuse - a national coalition to end abusive relationships among teens.
Teen Dating Violence Dedicated to Providing Education About Teen Dating Violence, run by My Sister's Place NY This site has some great educational presentations/videos to help teens understand and define dating violence and how to stay safe in a dating situation, roles and what to do, and most importantly, what healthy relationships look like. The videos are spot on and the message is delivered in a direct, teen friendly, and unpreachy way. I learned a lot! Follow on them Twitter @datingviolence

For survivors

International Domestic Violence Memorial A community of artists, engineers, architechts, professionals and domestic violence survivors committed to the creation of a monument dedicated to victims and survivors. Follow on Twitter @abusesurvivors
Voices of Women V.O.W. Organizing Project – Survivors of Domestic Violence organizing for change. An activisim focused organization, VOW "supports survivors of domestic violence as they lead efforts to end violence, shape policies and improve services for battered women."
Click to Empower The Gal-PAL program is a Web initiative of The Allstate Foundation to financially empower survivors of domestic violence. Pass it on, Act, Learn. Learn, Listen, Speak up and make a difference. Follow links on the sites to hear messages of encouragement from actresses Ana Ortiz, Mira Sorvino and others. Follow on Twitter: @ClickToEmpower

Educating and Ornganizing Men against violence

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes – The international Men’s march to stop sexualized violence. The Walk Store sells books, shirts, hats banners and of course SHOES...everything you will need for this walk.
Step Up Against Violence Changing the traditional mindset of young adult males to break the cycle of sexism and violence against women. Follow on Twitter @MenSteppinUp
Men Can Stop Rape International nonprofit that works to end violence against women by providing primary violence prevention programming to males ages 11-22. Follow on Twitter @MenCanStopRape

ChipIn™ and change the headlines

2009-10-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

Why do private donations matter to agencies working with domestic and family violence?

"Maya (name changed) has been at STAND! for nearly three months now, but every time she sees a story on the news or reads a headline about a domestic violence incident or homicide, a chill runs down her spine. "All I can think of is how close I came to being one of those headlines."

Maya's relationship with her husband was always volatile and emotionally abusive, but after he lost his job and her hours were cut, the financial strain exacerbated the tensions already in their home. "He would get so frustrated, with me, with life, he started throwing things at me when he got upset. The last straw was when they came to repossess our car. After they left, he went nuts, blaming me for all our problems, he started to choke me and then he pulled a knife. That was it, I ran and I didn't stop."

Like more than 185 women and children last year alone, Maya was able to escape her abusive relationship and begin rebuilding her life at STAND!'s shelter. But STAND!'s ability to help Maya and others is in jeopardy. This year we have seen a 500% increase in domestic violence homicides. This summer alone, six people have violently lost their lives."

I have been a regular donor to STAND! Against Domestic Violence for probably 15 years. When ALS entered our lives, we shifted our cash donations to ALSA but I have remained a supporter of the work done by this dedicated group and continue to support holiday and special events. As a result of the recent budget craziness in Sacramento this year, I received a donation request which included the quote above and the following stats:

"With one swipe of the governor's pen, STAND! lost a quarter of our funding (more than $200K) for the emergency shelter and crisis line. these cuts come on top of a 28% total reduction in revenue in the last few years."

The net effect of these cuts?

Intervention/Emergency Services: 30% reduction in staff providing emergency service including shelter, crisis line and community response over the past two years. Impact: Unanswered Crisis line calls . 50% reduction in support groups vs. 65% increase in crisis line calls this year . 80% reduction of in-person interventions at police stations and local hospitals . County community support services terminated in two counties . Reduced restraining order assistance . reduced support and educational services for shelter families . Substance abue support groups for DV survivors terminated . Fewer shelter beds available.
Prevention: Community Education / Outreach staff cut by 60% over past few years. Impact: Work with county teens cut in half . Staff partnership with Faith community terminated.

Stand!'s Executive Director Gloria J. Sandoval, provided the following insight into how her organization asks for and utilizes private donations. I am certain that a frank discussion with the ED at any organization involved in protecting families and working to eliminate domestic/family violence would reveal a very similar set of data.

$250 provides 13 hours of 1:1 case management for a family in shelter
$500 provides a family with two weeks of transitional housing
$1000 can teach 1 class of public school students how to recognize and prevent relationship violence
$2500 can provide 5 days of 24-hour crisis line assistance for those being abused
$5000 can staff and operate the emergency shelter for 5 days.

If you have been touched in any way by Domestic or Family violence, please give generously to your local DV organization, utilize this month's ChipIn request or purchase a Heart of Hope bracelet benefiting DV Prevention. Your generosity matters to someone whose life may be in jeopardy and need a safe place to start over.

Domestic Violence...Warning Signs

2009-10-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

For the most part....I'm a pretty easy going gal. It takes a lot to "flap me out" as my friends say. Thanks to my ALS experience, I truly understand what's life and death and what's not. I know when I need to step up the urgency in my voice/approach and when to just settle down and go with the flow. But trust me, I've been angry...so angry in fact that I literally couldn't see straight.   I know what it's like to not be in control of your emotions and the unintended consequences of rage. What I don't understand...being so out of control that you hit or hurt another human being intentionally. Which is most likely why this is a difficult topic for me to tackle.

Age and experience have taught me that generally speaking, the root of my own anger falls into one of two categories 1) a perceived injustice (something is "not fair") or 2) my ego not getting what it thinks it needs. An example that comes immediately to mind is a staff meeting more than 25 years ago when I called an emergency meeting to "review" a pair of back to back shoplifting incidents with my team. I didn't think my staff was paying attention and doing the things they knew how to do to prevent theft in the store and because of the circumstances, I felt the thieves were laughing at me. My petty, threatened, ego was working overtime as I screamed at my staff and ultimately let the hanger I was waving like a madwoman to emphasize my words (as if everyone within a 100 mile radius could dodge my wrath) fly. To this day, I am ashamed that 1) the hanger bounced off of one of my employees 2) that I frightened every single person in the room into a stunned silence, and 3) that I completely lost perspective and control. I am equally grateful that no one was injured and that once I expressed my embarassment and remorse, my staff, to a person, forgave my outburst.   I vowed that afternoon that I would never again be so far out of bounds with my emotions. So I also understand the deep need to forgive someone and give a second chance.

In my case, while I am not proud of the incident, there was no history of previous violence beyone a raised voice; no intent to hurt or control anyone; it was not directed at any single person and it was truly an isolted incident. However isolated, my own behavior was quite similar to that of an abuser. Rage...remorse and a request for forgiveness. And that's the scariest part of this story for me.

Family, sexual, domestic violence can take many forms and like the example from my own history, is complicated but seems to be rooted in the ego's need to dominate - usually another person. This type of violence does not discriminate...at all. It touches every single ethnic, socio-economic, religious, gender, sexual preference and age bracket. It doesn't respect any political or geographical boundry. It doesn't care if you work or don't work. Marriage provides no safety from abuse and in fact leads the abuser to feel they "own" their partner and are entitled to their behavior. Elder abuse is thought to be as prevelant as date rape. And unfortunatlely abuse seems to be repeated over generations in some families.

In my next post, you will find a number of resources dedicated specifically to handling the immediate crisis, educating to break the cycle, and ultimately prevent further/future abuse.   But for today, I'd like to share some of the early warning signs that point to a potentially abusive relationship. Abusers use any/all of the following to control their partners:

Emotional/Verbal Abuse - Words, whispered softly in a victim's ear or hurled in a public display of anger, by someone who says they love you, cut deeply and leave scars that may never fully heal. Any type of put-down, criticism, public humiliation, name-calling, mind games and manipulation is a form of abuse. These tactics are specifically designed to undermine your self-esteem which will make you vulnerable. An example: "You're so (stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, skinny, uneducated...) no one else would want you. You're lucky I do".

Isolation - Control cannot happen when there is someone "talking in your other ear". If you never hear, "That's wrong" "that's just not right", "why do you put up with him/her talking to you/behaving like that", then after a while, you will believe anything. So...an abuser will do anything to eliminate those other voices by cutting you off from your family, friends, co-workers, loved ones. And sometimes it happens slowly. Pay close attention if you hear "Hey baby, you know I don't like your friend . You don't need to see her today.  Stay with me and we'll do something special." Jealousy is pretty common with abusers, so you may hear "Let me go with you to the (doctor, dentist, florist, grocery store). You know I don't like the way he/she looks at you". And the feeling of isolation may deepen as your abuser insists you quit your job, or you lose it because of the time off you've taken to heal your wounds.

Economic control - If you do not have access to money/financial records, if your partner demands that you turn over your paycheck and doles out an "allowance", if they threaten to take over your accounts because "you are too stupid to handle anything financial", forbidding you to go to work or better yourself through classes/continuing education, be very wary. The easiest way to exert control over someone is to make them economically dependent.

Threats and Intimidation - If you show any initiative or speak up for yourself, and the abuser feels they may not be able to fully control you, they will resort to threatening violence/destruction on those you love, including children, pets, family members, treasured possessions, or any soft spot they think will bring you into line. They may even threaten suicide.

If your partner practices any of these behaviors, but does not physically hit/hurt you, you still need to be cautious. You are likely not in a healthy relationship and all of these behaviors are strong indicators that your partner is capable of physical violence.

More obvious, but not to be taken lightly is any incident which involves physical contact, such as hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair-pulling, biting, etc. Physical abuse includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use. Also included is any unwanted or hurtful sexual encounter, such as rape, being coerced into having sex, or non-consensual, and/or demeaning sexual activity. Especially if it is followed by remorse and a lavish show of affection and gifts.

I found a number of credible sources to help with my thoughts, but I liked the post to the US Department of Justice website for its comprehensive and succinct listing of behaviors to watch for.

Still not sure if your relationship is potentially stormy? Chris DeBello has an Abusive Relationships section on his site Issues and Ideas with Chris DeBello.   You can take the Quiz, 15 yes or no questions and get immediate scoring with links to additional information. This quote from his site summed it up for me.

"Abuse is wrong. You don't deserve it. Nobody has the right to do it to you. In marriages and relationships abuse isn't always a slap or a punch. It can be verbal or psychological. The abuser's goal is to hold you hostage emotionally and physically. This site is where you can learn what abuse is all about and the damage it does. Your first step out of the darkness is there for you to take and there are a lot of people who will help you take that step."

Peace
Photo by Gigi Thibodeau

Lynda's Story

2009-10-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

My friend Lynda is tall, blonde and lights up a room with her easy, beautiful smile. We met about a year ago and she instantly made me feel as if I were a long, lost sister! My fondest memory to date is a “girlfriend” chat conducted on her oversized bed, because she had broken her ankle and was literally bed-bound. We were surrounded by plump pillows and laptops, discussing Facebook and enjoying the beverages delivered to us by her very patient and adoring, husband and son. In all, a perfect way to spend an afternoon…except for the broken ankle part! I asked if I could share her story and I am truly grateful she said yes!

KKL: How and when did you discover your cancer?
L: I felt a lump in my breast 6 years ago and thought that the mammogram had burst my breast implant. When the plastic surgeon went in to replace it, she found the tumor and removed it. I have been 5 years clear, and then in January of this year I felt a new lump in the other breast, and it was a brand new occurrence. I had a double mastectomy 3 weeks later.

KKL: How did you react when you or your doctor found the lump?
LW: First time it was a total shock because my doctors also thought that my implant had ruptured because the mammogram showed nothing. Second time I felt the lump I had a pretty good understanding of what it was and just could not believe that I had a totally new occurrence in the other breast.

KKL: How you chose to treat your cancer?
LW: I had chemo and radiation and a lumpectomy the first time, and a double mastectomy the second time.

KKL: How you have changed (if at all) following your treatments?
LW: Yes...I really did learn not to sweat the small things as much and to enjoy every single day!

KKL: What was the single most important thing that helped you during your treatments?
LW: My family and friends support.

KKL: If you could share one piece of advice, what would it be?
LW: That it really is true that if you are aware of your own body, go with your gut, and know that if it is caught early, your chances of survival are excellent....you just need to be strong and get through the treatment. A positive attitude is also so important...knowing that you can and will get through it!

KKL: Anything else that matters to you in sharing your story.
LW: That we can be SURVIVORS!

Fighting Domestic Violence on Facebook®

2009-10-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

Facebook® is practically everywhere. The statistics are amazing! According to the Facebook Press Room today, there are more than 300 million active users, with 50% logging into their accounts on any given day. The fastest growing demographic is users 35 years and older. Clearly this is not just for kids! One of the things I appreciate about Facebook is the ability to find groups of like-minded folks. There are thousands of groups, public and private, covering a variety of topics. And…if for some reason you can’t find a group that suits you, you can easily create your own and get the word out to your friends. Many organizations are finding it beneficial to start a community on Facebook as a way to expand their presence and reach. Here are just a few of the communities I found where victims, survivors, advocates and those concerned about domestic violence can join together on Facebook. Reminder: To access/join any of these groups, you must have a Facebook Profile. To log in or create a profile, please visit the Facebook website.

Walk it out (fundraiser for abuse victims and homelessness) This walk is from San Francisco to San Diego, California and will be performed by authors Timothy Pina and Danielle Pierre. The 530+ mile walk is to bring aid and awareness to domestic violence and homelessness. Tim and Danielle began their walk at Candlestick Park, San Francisco on September 26, 2009 and end it at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego. Arrival in San Diego is anticipated on or around November 1, 2009. You can follow their progress, donate and learn more about their project by following their blog!
Walk a Mile in Her Shoes Walk a Mile in Her Shoes® is the International Men's March to Stop Rape, Sexual Assault & Gender Violence. Men literally walk one mile in women's high heeled shoes to protest sexualized violence, to educate their communities and to raise funds for local rape crisis centers and domestic violence shelters.
STAND! Against Domestic Violence For those impacted by domestic violence, STAND! Against Domestic Violence is the catalyst for change that breaks the generational cycle of abuse and rebuilds lives. STAND! Against Domestic Violence is committed to ending domestic violence through the provision of prevention and intervention services, primarily in Contra Costa County (CA).
Stop Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence a friendly place for both men and women to talk and offer advice to others who have been or are in the same situation. and to remind people you are not alone .. we are all in this together.
We Won’t be Victims! WWBV This is a group to help the defenseless become empowered to defend themselves and loved ones against physical assaults! We want to teach, and discuss with everyone about self defense particularly women, battered women , children, abused children (and also men). All stories and defense discussions welcome!
Domestic Abuse - Stop Violence against Women
Stop Domestic Violence and Child Abuse – Almost 53,000 members belong to this group. Join this group if you support laws that would: Help to keep sex offenders off the streets; offer healthy solutions for children removed from dangerous households; and fund organizations that protect men and women in any situation from abusive partners in a more effective manner.
Stop Domestic Violence in memory of Chris Turner is a very personal, grass roots style group started by a friend of Chris Turner, whose life was ended by domestic violence.

Events
Stop Domestic Violence and Child Abuse Rally October 5 -7, 2009 Women from across the United States are invited to become part of a force for change in Washington DC this fall by participating in a Domestic Violence Awareness March.
Groups

Walk to End Family and Sexual Violence

2009-10-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

One of the easiest ways to raise awareness and money for causes you care about and get in a little private time is to walk. Yep…slip on your favorite tennies (or elevenies in my case!!), grab your favorite rockin’ tunes, put one foot in front of the other and walk. Fall is the perfect time to walk so there are quite literally hundreds of charity walks/runs to choose from. Once you’ve found a walk, last month’s post We’re walking…we’re walking…and we’re raising money by walking will help with suggestions on organizing a team, brainstorming for a cook name and links to fundraising ideas.

In addition to Breast Cancer awareness, October is Domestic Violence awareness month. One in three women has experienced domestic violence in her lifetime. To help you find a walk, I did a little research and here are just a few of the walks around the country dedicated to Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention:

October 3, 2009 Rochester, MI Walk to Stop DV MAI Family Services
October 4, 2009 Downers Grove, IL 2009 5K Walk/Run – Family Shelter Services
October 10, 2009 Salem, OR 2009 DV Awareness Walk/Run
October 10, 2009 Miami FL Annual DV Awareness Walk and Expo
October 17, 2009 Kent, WA Stepping out to stop DV in South King County
October 25, 2009 Virginia Beach,VA Samaritan House’s De-Feet DV 5K Run/Walk
November 8, 2009 Phoenix, AZ Phoenix Walk to End Domestic Violence

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes – The international Men’s march to stop sexualized violence
Walks are scheduled around the country. Check their Walk Calendar for dates and locations nearest you. I love this!

“First you Walk the Walk. There is an old saying: “You can’t really understand another person’s experience until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” Walk a Mile in Her Shoes® asks men to literally walk one mile in women’s high-heeled shoes. It’s not easy walking in these shoes, but it’s fun and it gets the community to talk about something that’s really difficult to talk about – sexual violence.”

If you would prefer your walk to include time chasing a little white ball, consider the Avon: Changing the Course of Domestic Violence Golf Tourney w/PGA Tour

Where do you walk and who do you walk for? What's the one song that ALWAYS gets you moving? Please share your favorites!

Tommorow's post will have the listings for Breast Cancer walks.

Awareness vs. Experience

2009-10-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

“There are things you learn holding a cat by the tail that you can’t learn any other way”.

I attended a seminar where the speaker shared that line. It’s stuck with me over the years and comes in handy when I have to laugh at the way I’ve gotten some of my experience! It’s one thing to be aware of a disease, cause or topic. It’s quite another to personally experience it. I’ve recently discovered that I need to actively challenge my personal definition of awareness. So, to clarify the difference between awareness and experience, I once again turn to my trusty Miriam Webster dictionary for some working definitions:

AWARE      Pronunciation: \ə-'wer\         Function: adjective
--having or showing realization, perception, or knowledge — aware•ness noun  AWARE implies vigilance in observing or alertness in drawing inferences from what one experiences .

synonyms COGNIZANT, CONSCIOUS, SENSIBLE, ALIVE, AWAKE mean having knowledge of something. COGNIZANT implies having special or certain knowledge as from firsthand sources . CONSCIOUS implies that one is focusing one's attention on something or is even preoccupied by it . SENSIBLE implies direct or intuitive perceiving especially of intangibles or of emotional states or qualities . ALIVE adds to SENSIBLE the implication of acute sensitivity to something . AWAKE implies that one has become alive to something and is on the alert . I really like some of the synonyms!!!Photo by Hannibal Poenaru

EXPERIENCE     Pronunciation: \ik-'spir-ē-ən(t)s\       Function: noun

a : direct observation of or participation in events as a basis of knowledge b : the fact or state of having been affected by or gained knowledge through direct observation or participation
a : practical knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events or in a particular activity b : the length of such participation
a : the conscious events that make up an individual life b : the events that make up the conscious past of a community or nation or humankind generally
something personally encountered, undergone, or lived through
the act or process of directly perceiving events or reality

Interestingly, there are no synonyms listed with Experience. Aware/Awareness is an adjective or descriptor. Experience is noun or a word used to name a thing (person, place, abstract idea). Awareness…describes. Experience…is. My conclusion….just as in life, experience stands on its own and needs no additional definition!

So this month I’ll talk about Domestic Violence AND Breast Cancer, using some of my new found synonyms as a perspective, to share resources, raise awareness and honor some of my closest friends. I regularly count my blessings that I have awareness of both issues and no direct experience -insert the sound of knocking on wood here! Breast Cancer is easy to discuss…it’s everywhere… in its every shade of pink glory! This is probably why we can all quote the statistics, practice self exams, get regular mammograms, and are now able to detect a small lump before it gets to the danger zone. For an experienced perspective, I’ve turned to some of my closest friends who have survived breast cancer, and am thrilled to share their stories. But, like suicide, we don’t talk much about violence inflicted by those closest to us, so I’ll focus a bit more on Domestic Violence this month.

It is my fondest hope that you never have to hold the tail of Breast Cancer or personal violence. No one needs or deserves that experience. Peace.

5 September Insights

2009-09-30T01:00:00.000-07:00

Gosh...the month has flown by! Thank you so much for reading Fashionable Giving!! Writing this month has helped me honor my nephew Jeremy's memory. For those who have taken the time to comment, you have my gratitude. At least some of the heart sadness has been repaired with your kind words and encouragement. Here's what I've learned this month about surviving suicide and doing my part to be part of the solution.

Learn. Educate yourself, your family and friends. Suicide can happen to any family, at any time and there are almost always warning signs. Knowledge is power! Learn the warning signs of suicide and do not be afraid to ask the hard questions. Learn about suicide in the workplace and what you can do to help a colleague who may be considering suicide. Read the stories of survivors and then write your own!
Listen. Be fully present in each and every encounter - especially with teens. We have two ears and one mouth - it's probably best to use them in exactly the same ratio!
Reach out. If you are a suicide survivor, find other survivors and conversations using sites like LinkedIn, Twitter or Facebook or one of the many websites dedicated to suicide. Share your stories, share your grief and most importantly, share your progress.
Do Something Good. Walk, ride or hold an event. Raise money for an organization making a difference for suicide and prevention. Raise awareness by getting active with an advocacy/public policy efforts sponsored by AFSP. Consider the purchase of a Heart of Hope bracelet for holiday gift giving this year.
Encourage. In every encounter, you (and I!) choose our words. Make the deliberate choice to be encouraging, uplifting, positive or...silent. Send an encouraging Tweet, Facebook wall post, or eCard to someone you care about. I just might make the difference!

Which post resonated with you this month?

Calm in the midst of a storm.

2009-09-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have two hats when I write. When I wear my Fashionable Giving hat, the writing is dedicated to my business and the people I love. I work to maintain a journalist's perpective, more curious, expressive and committed to learning and sharing information about causes that have touched me directly or, to those closest to me. When I wear my DFTALS hat, the writing tends to be more personal, devoted almost exclusively to living with ALS, caring for a patient and/or finding my way, some days like Columbus in the new (post-ALS) world.

From time to time, I find that I'm wearing both hats (and looking pretty dorky I might add!) because what has my attention applies equally to both audiences. Calm in the midst of a storm is a DFTALS post from a few weeks ago. I wrote about natural and emotional disasters and the steps one can take to be prepared for the inevitable storms (or earthquakes!) in life. I find myself re-reding the post today as I struggle a bit to "re-center" myself on the anniversary of my brother-in-law Howard's passing. We lost Howard 13 1/2 months after losing Bill in a freak motorcycle accident, that even today, 3 years later defies explanation. Howard...I miss you.

We all face difficulties, annoyances, trials and daily irritants. Some blow in... and then blow out. Just like the stems on a dandelion. Others, like Death, are tougher. Death is but one of the many winds that will knock us off course if we have not prepared mentally. Sudden death, can potentially take us off course forever. Meditation, positive reading material, time with friends and loved ones are each important ingredients in our emotional emergency preparedness kits. The DailyOM and the daily lessons/affirmations from The Science of Mind combined with my friends, create the safety harness that keeps me tethered to the planet.

So how about you? What do you do to keep your balance when the inevitable storms hit? Please share your stories here. In the meantime, I wish you "Cool Runnings" Peace be the Journey!

Fundraising for "chickens"

2009-09-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

OK...I'll just cut to the chase. It's scary to ask people for money. There...I said it. Now it's out in the open and we can talk about it.

I agree, it can be hard to ask for money. But I find it's less difficult to discuss a cause that I am passionate about. I don't have experience asking for big, grant sized sponsorships or donations. I aspire to this type of confidence! But I am pretty good with what I call "grassroots fundraising" where a lot of little bits quickly adds up to something significant. In my experience, there are three primary keys to success:

ASK! Countless surveys have shown that the #1 reason people don't give is... "because nobody ever asked them"! Don't ever think you can't ask. If someone is not able to donate, for whatever reason, thank them for listening and share your story with the next person on your list. Which leads us nicely into key #2 which is....
You need a great story! Keep it short, simple and heartfelt. Practice and speak from your heart. A good example can be found at DFTALS. Here are a couple of the high points to include:

Why are you raising the money?
Why is the cause so important to you?
Why now?
How have you benefited from the services offered by the organization?
How will the funds make a difference to the cause?

And last, but certainly not least, you need a PLAN! Here's an easy guide to raising $200 in 10 Days for your favorite cause:

Day 1      Start it off right by putting in $20          $20
Day 2      Ask your significant other for $20          $40
Day 3      Ask one of your parents for $20            $60
Day 4      Ask a sibling for $25                            $85
Day 5      Ask 3 friends for $15 each                    $130
Day 6      Ask your boss for $20                          $150
Day 7      Ask 2 co-workers for $10 each              $170
Day 8      Ask a neighbor for $10                        $180
Day 9      Ask the kids' coach for $10                  $190
Day 10    Ask a local business owner for $10        $200

YOU DID IT!

If you don't have parents or a significant other, adjust the friends/co-workers "ask" accordingly. Do not be surprised when people offer to give you more than you ask for! Remember to send a thank you note! You can find some additional fundraising hints to help with orgainzed, online fundraising in my earlier post "We're walking...we're walking...."

Now, share this game plan with every one of the folks who have signed up for your walk/ride. Help them develop their own story. When 5 of your friends duplicate your efforts, you will be responsible for $1,000+, which I can promise you, will go a long way for the cause of your choice.

Have fun and please share your success with your fellow grassroots fundraisers by posting a comment. I'd love to hear your stories!!

Put some FUN in fundraising!

2009-09-23T01:00:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for additional ways to fundraise for your charity walk or ride team, I am a huge fan of FUN fundraising!
Here are a few of my favorite successful ideas.

Tap into the cause. Work with a local brewpub. Ask the owner/manager to dedicate the sales from one or two kegs to your cause. Contact friends and family to join you for the evening. Tip the wait staff and ask them to enthusiastically recommend the “cause” tap! Have fliers, walk brochures, handouts from the organization, silicon bracelets, photos, just about anything, to raise awareness. Ask someone from the organization to be on hand to say a few words and/or answer questions. Set up a basket or large jar for casual donations. Set out a guest list and ask for names/email addresses so you can sent out thank yous!
Dine out for the Cause. A variation of the first idea only better (in my opinion!) because you don’t have to decorate and someone else handles the clean-up! Contact a local restaurant to host a benefit night. Generally 15 to 20% of the night’s sales are donated back to the cause. This can be a huge win for your walk/ride team, the organization and the restaurant! Check with the major chain restaurants in your neighborhood like Chevy’s, Chili’s, California Pizza Kitchen, or Rubios. However, don’t limit yourself…you may find your favorite restaurant is more than willing to help – they will get new customers without the cost of advertising. Then…advertise, advertise, advertise!
Throw a theme party! Hawaiian Luau, Old Fashioned BBQ, Make your own Burritos/Tacos, Spaghetti Feed, Game Night with pot luck are just a few ideas. Location can be as creative as your imagination! Ask for $10-$50 admission and try to get food/beverages donated from a local grocery store, catering company, restaurant(s) in exchange for advertising. Ask for merchandise donations and hold a silent auction to add excitement and additional revenue. Send me an outline of your event and I'll donate a pair of Heart of Hope earrings to support your efforts! Please include the text "Fundraising Request" in the subject line and give me at least 10 days notice!
Bowl-a-thon or Tournament. Work with your local bowling ally to organize an evening or weekend tournament when they have a little downtime from league play. They should be able to help you with the details. Ask if the pro would be willing to give a “clinic” prior to the tournament start. Charge an admission fee that will cover any expense charged by the bowling ally, plus a donation to the cause, and encourage participants to get their friends/family to sponsor them – say 10 cents per pin. Encourage friends to form teams. Get prizes donated from local merchants. Take photos/videos and post to your social media sites. Send photos and a story to the press for the local human interest section. Again, advertise, advertise, and advertise.
Golf Tournament. If you are near a golf course or belong to a club, this can be a great event but should not be taken on by amateurs or the fainthearted! Check with the club and ask the pro to help organize a Pro/Am event. No Country Club membership? No worries, find a local Miniature Golf course and organize a peewee tournament for your cause.

Here are a few of my favorite ideas that don’t involve event planning or really much effort at all!

ChipIn. Use the ChipIn widget to the left and make a donation of any size...THANK YOU!! You can also set up your own ChipIn widget, using their easy-to-use tools and a PayPal account.
Recycling. If your state has a redemption fee for soda bottles and aluminum cans, this is an EASY, painless way to raise money and be “green”. Have everyone you know save their soda and water bottles/cans in large 33 gal garbage bags. You can offer to pick up the collection or ask friends to drop them off on a designated weekend. Then you take all of the bags to your local recycler and collect the fee.
Change the face of [your cause]. Ask everyone to save their spare change for a designated period of time – 3 months is just about right. Then have an event (Beer night, Dine out night) and ask everyone to bring their change. You can roll the coins, but I highly recommend letting the local CoinStar® machine count it out for you. The 10% taken is totally worth the time and aggravation saved. Plus... not all banks take rolled coin from individuals anymore!
Getting married and don’t need or want any more STUFF? Set up a Charity Wedding Registry. A charitable gift registry is a meaningful way to commemorate your special day. A charitable donation is the perfect way to personalize your wedding gift and inspire greater giving.
Set up a Facebook cause page . Follow the instructions - it's practically foolproof!

Speaking of Facebook...remember to post links for all of your fundraising efforts to Social Media Sites. Remember to add events to your Facebook, MySpace pages. Use Twitter to inform, recruit and generate interest. Take pictures and/or video and post up following the event. Thank your volunteers and sponsors publicly and remember to have fun!
My friends will tell you that I'm pretty organized and I've had work assignments as a Project Manager, so event production comes pretty naturally! However, if you were not born with the PM gene, no worries! You just need some extra enthusiasm and the ability to draft some uber organized friends! You can also check out any number of great books available to help you think through and organize a successful fundraiser.

What is your favorite fundraising tip? Please share it here!

Action through Advocacy

2009-09-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) is heartless and senseless - not unlike suicide. I lost my husband/best friend to ALS and I was mad...really mad! Anger is a very powerful emotion, which I believe, when left unchecked can result in the destruction of property, life or self. For me, the offer to become an advocate for ALS came at the exact time I was grappling with the really "meaty" anger stage of my grieving. I have often joked that channeling my anger through advocacy probably saved my life and at the very least spared me from a jail sentence!

So...for the past four years I have been involved in raising awareness for ALS and recruiting others to do the same. I will go on record here to say, I find it completely ironic that the girl who nearly flunked high school civics has grown up to be the woman who is a staunch advocate for patients who can no longer speak for themselves...go figure!

If you are looking for a way to DO something, (to channel your anger, sadness, or any other strong emotion) I cannot think of a better option than advocacy. But what is advocacy exactly? Here's what I've learned in four years.

What is an advocate?

I have a very well loved copy of Miriam Webster's dictionary, and I found the following definition: "One that supports or promotes the interests of another"

What is advocacy?

From Wikipedia (an excellent resource!) "Advocacy is the pursuit of influencing outcomes — including public-policy and resource allocation decisions within political, economic, and social systems and institutions — that directly affect people’s current lives. (Cohen, 2001)"

I believe advocacy is the support and promotion of cause related interests. More specifically research, health and long-term care, caregiver and/or survivor support, at all levels (National, State, Local) of elected government with the intent to influence change. Advocates work to effectively lobby Congress, the White House, and related national organizations, as well as state and federal agencies for funding and support of programs which will benefit patients, victims and/or the families of any given cause.

Why is advocacy important?
Elected officials, government regulators, insurers and the media play a significant role in our society and certainly in healthcare today! Often, the laws, rules and/or perceptions they create directly influence our day-to-day lives and the medical treatments or financial compensation we receive. However, the majority of decision makers know little about suicide and mental illness, its effects and treatments, primarily in my opinion because they have no personal experience - no context to frame an opinon. That's where advocates step in! Organizations dedicated to mental health, mental illness and suicide prevention seek to increase awareness by encouraging those affected by suicide to become advocates. It is through the voice of patients, family members friends and medical professionals that current, pending and future laws, regulations, policies and perceptions are influenced and ultimately changed.

Who can be an advocate?

Anyone with a commitment to help current and future generations affected by suicide.
Anyone willing to raise their voice or write a letter to an elected official.
Anyone willing to make a difference.
You!

The true strength of an advocacy network is the dedication of the many individuals affected in some way by suicide. Individuals who have made the express decision to make a difference today, so that lives can literally be saved and (just maybe) the future can be brighter for survivors of suicide.

As an advocate, what do you do?

In general, you may be called on to:

Educate: Tell your story - to the media and/or elected officials
Act: Write letters or send email correspondence to elected officials
Participate: Attend the annual National/State Advocacy Day or Public Policy Conference

Once you are an advocate, what is expected?

Educate yourself – become familiar with the strategy and current objectives of the advocacy program
Educate others – know your story and share it as needed. Encourage those within your sphere of influence to join you.
Respond – write or speak when requested and be alert to opportunities where you can educate and inform elected officials concerning suicide.

Next step….take a minute today to learn more about the Advocacy and Public Policy efforts of the following organizations

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Suicide Prevention Action Network USA

National Strategy for Suicide Prevention

or Google the following key words - suicide, advocacy, public policy - to find the right opportunity to channel your grief/anger. As always, please share your findings, so that we can all learn!

Suicide Survivor Resources

2009-09-21T01:00:00.001-07:00

My Only Wish by Dhainee Phafflin
Grief, my sole companion through the rain
Grief stays with me but ease no pain
Grief, the emotion I feel when I hear your name
Grief, I don't know if I'm still sane

My only wish every time the rain falls
Is that you'll remember that I'm still here
Loving you and waiting for your call
And when the sky begins to clear
I'll still be waiting here after all

You are not alone. Though my personal grief had a different beginning, I walk the path by your side. I hope you find these sites helpful as you continue your journey to healing, one step at a time. ~Kathie

Survivor Resources from Stop a Suicide.org
On Saturday, November 21, 2009, simultaneous conferences for survivors of suicide loss will take place throughout the U.S. and internationally. This unique network of healing conferences helps survivors connect with others who have survived the tragedy of suicide loss, and express and understand the powerful emotions they experience. More information

The American Association of Suicidology has a number of resources including Stats & Tools, Support Group Directory, and a comprehensive listing of Resources for Survivors.

Suicide.org is a comprehensive site with a Suicide Survivors Forum covering topics like "What should I do after a suicide", Coping with the emotional pain", "Coping with rumors and gossip", Coping with anger at your suicide angel" and much more.

Survivor Resources is a private, non-profit organization deducated to providing immediate and long-term emotional support and practical help for the families and friends of those who have died by homicide, suicide or accident.

GriefNet.org is an Internet community of persons dealing with grief, death, and major loss. They also provide a comprehensive listing of resources for survivors of suicide as well as links to support for other types of loss.

Movie Corner

2009-09-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

As you might imagine, it was tough to find uplifing movies about Suicide. Now that I write this, I think that my quest this month was a bit of an oxymoron. However...in my searching I found a really cool site to share.

Rob Fried is the Founder/CEO of SpiritClips, "an online community centered on inspirational films and stories dedicated to universal themes of compassion, hope, courage, and strength." You can read the story of how SpiritClips was inspired by clicking the Founders Welcome link on their website. I LOVE that Rob also chose the Gandhi quote to begin his message!

One of the best features at SpiritClips is the ability to send an inspiring eCard with a short film (FilmCard). It's quick way to send a thoughtful message to someone who's on your mind, using their easy-to-navigate website. The hardest part is choosing ONE from the many great clips! But never fear, they have some suggestions in the navigation bars to help narrow the selection! Some are free to send, others require a membership with a pretty reasonable monthly fee.

Most of the clips are under 5 minutes (looks like the average is 2 -3 min) and are definitely designed to make you smile. Thanks to a Superhero is a 52 second Thank You clip with the tag " "The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde. In less than 3 1/2 minutes Sally reminded me that I own my attitude and is tagged "Kindness can become its own motive. We are made kind by being kind." - Eric Hoffer. My favorite so far is The Little Frog, a 2 1/2 minute reminder that we can literally do anything, and it's never too late to give a shout of encouragement. "They can because they think they can." - Virgil

No popcorn necessary! Enjoy...

Reviewing: Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide

2009-09-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

“Surely my experience with suicide is not unique; surely other survivors can benefit from learning about it and how—over the years---I have dealt with such a death.” ~Christopher Lukas

In his lifetime, Christopher Lukas has lost a number of family members to suicide as well as to “regular” death. Beginning with his mother when he was 6 years old, to his Aunt and Uncle, almost 30 years later, to a childhood friend who committed suicide when he was 50, Mr. Lukas has intimate knowledge of the range of emotions which accompany loss. He sought therapy to deal with his depression and anxieties, but like most of us, suppressed many of his emotions. Following the death of his friend, he set out to explore the myriad of feelings associated with death/dying and suicide in particular, I suspect to bring about some measure of psychological peace. He turned to publications and professional journals, only to find that the majority of the material written, dealt with the person who committed suicide and all but nothing was written about or seemed to be concerned with those left in the aftermath. And so, he bravely stepped into the void – to write a practically based book that would help survivors cope with the loss by suicide of someone they loved. His collaborator is Henry Seiden, provided the professional, psychotherapy expertise.

Overview

The book is thoughtfully laid out to take the reader through the very real steps needed to process the grief of a death by suicide. Part I covers what happens to the survivor after someone commits suicide and provides an overview of the emotional reactions. Often, in addition to grief, a survivor may exhibit one or more symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Anger, denial and sadness are normal stages in the processing of grief. I was surprised to learn that survivors of suicide must also process some degree (moderate to extreme) of guilt and shame as well.

Part II, entitled The Long Run: “What’s Going to Happen to Me?” covers a series of Bargains, or deals we make with life. These are quite literally the coping mechanisms the brain employs to move us forward. For example, Silence is a very normal reaction, often because of the religious or social stigmas attached to a death by suicide. “Many people don’t even want to admit that the death was a suicide. They hide behind a variety of myths: the death was an accident, a murder, a mystery.”

Part III outlines the pragmatic and practical steps of giving and getting help. This section covers Responding, Giving Help by Listening, Getting Help by Talking, Talking with Children and Living with Suicide.

The Appendix, Bibliography and Further Reading section is a comprehensive collection of resources that were not available to Lukas when he started his journey of emotional discovery. If he did nothing else but compile this list, he would have been successful in his mission to help others traveling this narrow and perilous path of life.

My Opinion
Lukas’s style is that of a compassionate reporter. It is clear that the research was intense and thorough. Each segment is filled with quotes from survivors, making it possible to understand the thoughts and emotions of a survivor in a very real and sometimes visceral way. I felt that he had extended a great deal of respect and courtesy to those who shared their stories. He is unflinching in his accounts of his loved ones deaths and candid about the range of emotions he’s had to wrestle with over the years.

While it was certainly not an easy read because of the subject matter, I did find the book to be thoughtful, insightful and very educational. I would not hesitate to recommend this book to anyone who lost someone they love to suicide. It will help uncover and process the various emotions and reassure the reader they are not crazy or alone. I think it would also be helpful to friends and co-workers of suicide survivors. Because death is a somewhat uncomfortable topic anyway, the insight provided could help prevent many of the well-intentioned, but uneducated comments made by those trying to reach out and provide comfort.

Bibliography
Lukas, Christopher and Seiden, Henry M.. Silent Grief – Living in the Wake of Suicide, Revised Edition. Philadelphia. Jessica Kinglsey Publishers. 2007.

Pause…to consider and raise money for the cause!

2009-09-17T01:00:00.001-07:00

There are so many different ways to contribute time and/or money to Suicide Prevention Causes. Here are just a few ideas to get you started.

WALK. Get more information on starting or joining a local Out of the Darkness community walks, sponsored by AFSP. AFSP funds research aimed at improving our understanding of suicide and ways to prevent it as well as educational activities to increase awareness about prevention, warning signs and the psychiatric illnesses that can lead to suicide.

If you would rather RUN, Marathons, half marathons, triathlons or races of any kind are valuable opportunities to raise awareness and support the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). We will support you every step of the way, from registration to fundraising advice and event preparation in any racing event of your choice. Please click here for links to additional information.

Pledge to donate $5, $10, $24 or $48 per month directly to an organization that suits you. Here are two more to consider.
Feeling Blue Suicide Prevention Council
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Update on the Heart of Hope for Suicide Prevention bracelet

2009-09-15T01:00:00.001-07:00

We are half way through the month and as of last night, one bracelet has found its way to new homes for a total of $25 to be donated to our Suicide Prevention causes. THANK YOU!! A quick reminder…the coupon for a matching pair of earrings expires on September 30th.

Visit the Kathie Lichtig Studio website and place your order for the Heart of Hope benefiting Suicide Prevention bracelet. Add the earrings to your shopping bag and enter code AFSP at checkout to receive your earrings as a gift!

Gift giving that matters!

We're walking....we're walking...and we're raising money by walking!

2009-09-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

My last post encouraged you to sign up for a walk in your neighborhood. I know you're thinking about it....and I'm proud of you for taking that first big step! Congratulations! Now it's time to get moving and involve your friends and neighbors. Here are just a few suggestions to get you started. Check with your charity - I know the walk coordinator will have more ways to help make your participation fun and profitable for their organization.

Create or Join a Walk team. Come up with a clever team name. My husband was a firefighter, so "Bill's Brigade" was a natural fit! Other team names I think are fun: Mrs. Peabody's Tea Party, Peggy's Pedestrians, Feet for Fluckinger, and Rev'in 4 Kevin. Set your imagination free! Better yet, get together with a few friends, and get silly brainstorming. You'd be amazed at the clever names you can come up with as a group!
Set your fundraising goal – stretch a little and keep raising it as you reach each milestone. Check the post "Fundraising for Chickens".
Use the tools provided by the charity! Sounds simple, but it can't be overstated. Take the time to personalize your team home page and your individual home page. Tell your story! Encourage people to join you. Add some personality. Add your photographs.
Upload your email address book - the tools make it very easy to do.
Use the email/send mail utility to send a note to friends/family/coworkers asking them to join you in the cause.
Hold a walk kickoff meeting at your home or ask a friend to host. Brainstorm ways to get additional friends/family members to join you or donate.
Add your page link to your email signature with a catchy call to action.
Ask your company to sponsor you or offer a matching donation. Invite friends to help you brainstorm local companies. Find out who has contacts and ask them to ask for the sponsorship.
Contact your local media and tell them that you are walking and WHY. Get them interested...local papers are always looking for a good human interest story. Share yours!
Update your Facebook, MySpace, etc. accounts. Tell your friends that you are walking and why. Add a link to your walk page and encourage everyone to sign up. "Tweet" your progress toward your goal!
Create a team flier. Include the critical details and photos. Post at church, work, games, etc. Most Starbucks, Curves and Jamba Juice in CA have community events bulletin boards and will post fliers for charitable events.
It’s never too early to recruit team members!
Contact your local chapter for more ideas, tips and tricks specific to their chapter.

Most of all HAVE FUN and remember that you are making a difference. And that matters!

Special announcement to support AFSP

2009-09-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

BOOK ROYALTIES DONATED TO THE AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION

In an effort to assist in the fight to educate and prevent suicide a portion of the proceeds from the sale of our new book, Lessons From 1 North: A Guide to Life Outside the Asylum ( http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/lessons-from-1-north-a-guide-to-life-outside-the-asylum/7573958 ) will be donated to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The book recounts the author's failed suicide attempt and recovery in a psychiatric hospital where he discovered the real meaning of life. The result of the experience was a dedication to two goals: 1) Suicide Prevention and 2) Assisiting Psychiatric In-Patients in finding public and private housing. The initial response has been overwhelming and the author will continue to travel the country lecturing and fundraising on the issues. Between today and Monday September 14, 2009 50% of the royalties from the sale of the book will be donated. Commencing Tuesday a smaller portion will continue to be donated.

Social Media is amazing...I received this notice via my LinkedIn network.

Facebook® Groups - Suicide Prevention

2009-09-13T01:00:00.002-07:00

There are literally 1000’s of groups on Facebook and an equal number of ways to connect with anyone interested in the same causes you are. Here are a few I found related specifically to Suicide Prevention. Please remeber: To access/join any of these groups, you must have a Facebook Profile and be logged in. To log in or create a profile, please visit the Facebook website.
General Search Link using Suicide Prevention as the keyword.
General Search Link using Mental Illness as the keyword
With 22,00+ fans, The Suicide Prevention Group on Facebook has a list of the warning signs and links to several good websites:
Four guys, one destination, one mission: Suicide Prevention These guys have 244,000+ members and a very compelling story!

As always, your comments and recommendations for resources you find helpful are encouraged and welcome.

LinkedIn® Groups - Suicide Prevention

2009-09-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

LinkedIn is almost as popular as Facebook and an excellent professional networking tool. I found a wealth of informtaion and many of the website links I referenced a few days ago have a LinkedIn community. Reminder: To access/join any of these groups, you must have a LinkedIn Profile and be logged in. To log in or create a profile, please visit the LinkedIn website.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the leading non-profit organization dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research and education and reaching out to survivors of suicide.

Feeling Blue Suicide Prevention Council Perhaps in a perfect world, all suicides can be prevented, but fortunately or unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect world. Just as all heart attacks can't be prevented, neither can all suicides, but like heart attacks, there are steps we can take to prevent more of them from occuring.

Working Minds: Our vision is of a community of workplaces eliminating the devastating impact of suicide at work and beyond.

Mad2Live: Our goal is to save lives through focusing on suicide prevention and promoting awareness by leveraging Art as a way to augment mental health services.

Pieta House: Members support and/or assist in the work and awareness/fund-raising for Pieta House Centre for the Prevention of Suicide & Self-Harm. This charity provides free professional help for those affected by suicidal & self-harming ideations.

Samaritans-You are not alone: Samaritans’ purpose is to alleviate despair, isolation, distress and suicidal feelings among individuals in our community, 24 hours a day; to educate the public about suicide prevention; and to reduce the stigma associated with suicide. We accomplish this through services that emphasize confidential, nonjudgmental, and compassionate listening.

Adolescent Wellness User Group: This is a group for key adults in the lives of youth – parents, educators, clergy, coaches and scout leaders – encouraging communication with adolescents about depression and suicide, early treatment and prevention.

Carson J. Spencer Foundation: We sustain a passion for life through:

Innovative and effective suicide prevention efforts targeting the working aged population.
Encouraging social enterprise that generates revenue and awareness for suicide prevention and mental health advocacy.
Support emerging leaders and entrepreneurs through our Rising Star Scholarship.

Suicide in the Military

2009-09-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have learned so much about suicide and hope that the posts this month have been informative and helpful. I don't have any experience with the military, beyond being born on a Naval base (my dad was a Marine!) and dating a few Navy guys in my youth. My research this month has been quite an odyssey, and as I continued to check links, I kept bumping up agaist information specifically discussing military personnel and the increase in both attempted and completed suicides. Curious...I kept clicking links. A 2008 CNN report Concern mount over rising troop suicides provided some insight.

The triggers for suicide (relationship issues, work, legal, finances, substance abuse and the like) are no different for service personnel than civilians. However, the stress of combat and/or the horrors of casualties on mental well being can only be imagined. Add in the stress of longer tours of duty or re-deployment, the stigma often attached to seeking mental health care and the ready access to firearms, and it becomes easier to understand the strain that can push someone to the brink and beyond. According to the CNN article, Sen. Jim Webb, D-Virginia was concerned about the number of suicide attempt by members of the military, and introduced legislation to improve the military's suicide-prevention programs.

The result...a comprehensive website, maintained by the US Department of Veterans Affairs, solely devoted to the mental health of our service men and women, covering topics such as Alcohol, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Drug Abuse, Returning Service Personnel, and more. There are links to educational material and a handy pocket guide that is not military specific, and journalist Deborah Norville and actor Gary Sinese have collaborated with the VA to produce two excellent Outreach PSA's.

This week, as part of Suicide Awareness week, the Suicide Prevention campaign is piloting an online, one-to-one chat service for Veterans who prefer reaching out for assistance using the Internet. Veterans Chat, enables Veterans, their families, and friends to anonymously chat on-line with a trained VA counselor. If a chatter is determined to be in a crisis, the counselor can take immediate steps to transfer the person to the VA Suicide Prevention Hotline, where further counseling and referral services are provided and crisis intervention steps can be taken. Veterans, family members or friends can access Veterans Chat through the Suicide Prevention web site (click on the CHAT LIVE button). The Veterans Suicide Prevention Hotline is available at 1-800-273-TALK.

I must admit that there are times when I am frustrated by how my tax dollars are spent. However, I am grateful to Congress and Senator Webb in particular for providing the VA with the funding to protect those who put their lives on the line, to preserve the peace and freedoms we enjoy in this country.

Book of the Month - Suicide Prevention

2009-09-09T01:00:00.001-07:00

Oprah loves to read, she has a book club. I love to read so I decided to start my own book club! Each month, to further my own knowledge, I’ll choose a book to read and share my thoughts. Please join me and add your thoughts using the comments section below, on Twitter or the Facebook Fan Page.

For September, I’ve selected: Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide by Christopher Lukas and Henry M. Seiden. “"Silent Grief" is a book for and about "suicide survivors" - those who have been left behind by the suicide of a friend or loved one. Author Christopher Lukas is a suicide survivor himself - several members of his family have taken their own lives - and the book draws on his own experiences, as well as those of numerous other suicide survivors. These personal testimonies are combined with the professional expertise of Henry M. Seiden, a psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist.”
Amazon.com makes it so easy to search for and purchase a book on literally any topic. Surviving Suicide – is a list of relevant books available for purchase on Amazon.com. Here are some additional books you may want to add to your library.
No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine. Carla's husband commited suicide. She shares the suicide, its aftermath, her survival and how to make sense of the chaos.
Surviving Suicide, Help to Heal Your Heart Life Stories from Those Left Behind by Heather Hays. In this book, Heather shares life-changing stories from people around the world who have also been left behind. Through them, you will learn lessons on love and loss to help guide you on your journey.
Real Men Do Cry by Eric Hipple. Eric is a former professional athlete who lost is 15 year old son to suicide, reached the brink of losing everything himself and found his way back. This is his unflinching story.

Who knows….maybe Oprah will want to join our group!

Twitter® Resources - Suicide Prevention

2009-09-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

Twitter is a fun tool for quickly sharing information or plugging into a specific community. Here are a few Tweeps in the suicide prevention community I follow:

@ArmyWellBeing   @MyArmyLife   @CounterSuicide   @TrevorProject
@ ASPENWV   @ OutoftheDark_KC   @ YellowRibbonSPP   @ IASPinfo   @ jedfoundation

Hashtags are a community-driven convention for adding additional context and metadata to your tweets. Used sparingly and respectfully, hashtags can provide useful context and cues for recall, as well as increased utility for the track feature. Used excessively can cause annoyance, confusion or frustration, and may lead people to stop following you. It's best to use hashtags explicitly when they're going to add value, rather than on every word in an update. Here are some Hashtags I have used to find suicide prevention/mental health related conversations:
#suicide     #endstigma     #mentalhealth     #mentalillness     #yellowribbon

Please help me grow the list by sharing your Tweeps!

BLOGs of interest - Suicide Prevention

2009-09-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

I had a difficult time finding BLOGs that relate specifically to Suicide Prevention or how to cope in the aftermath of a suicide. Here are the few I found.

Alive Campaign for Suicide Prevention: Waco, TX, United States Nathan Lloyd, Justin Brown, Kyle Ferguson, Alyson Erikson, and Andi Nakasone, will bike from Waco TX, to Anchorage Alaska. This is their amazing story.

Suicide Prevention Help is written by Kenneth Hemmerick. There is an extensive directory of global suicide prevention resources
Suicide Prevention From India: Suicide is a cry for help not a wish to die, preventing suicide is everyone's responsibility, let's talk about suicide and prevent it

Heather Hays - As a News Anchor I report on what's going on in the world around us - except something that takes a life every 16 minutes. That's because people rarely talk about suicide. I want to change that through my book Surviving Suicide: Help to Heal Your Heart.
Specifically For Veterans
Oh My Gov - For Veterans, a virtual world of support. DoD taps into Second Life
US Department of Defense Military Health System Blog - Index of articles related specifically to suicide in the military and its prevention.
Army Well-Being covers a variety of topics, not just suicide and suicide prevention. This link will display the suicide related postings.
Other Resources - not Blogs per se, but still look like good resources:
BlogTalk Radio – Talk Radio Podcasts on suicide and prevention related topics.
Centers for Disease Control (CDC) Find links to articles and resources under the headings of General Information, Scientific Information, What's New and Featured Resources.

Whose BLOG do you follow? PLEASE use the comments tool to share any that BLOG resources you have found helpful or interesting.

Online resources for Suicide Prevention

2009-09-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

Over the next few days, I’ll post various on-line resources I found. Today’s list includes some potentially helpful websites I found related to Suicide Prevention. They are listed in alphabetical order and I have no experience with any of these organizations. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH before you take advice or send money! Many of these organizations are represented on social media sites. Check their websites for details and if the cause is important to you, raise awareness by sharing the information with your friends and family through your personal social media pages.

Adolescent Wellness, Inc. a non-profit 501c3 organization, was founded to simplify prevention of depression and suicide in adolescents. A primary activity is creating awareness of depression prevention resources.
Alive Campaign for Suicide Prevention is a grassroots suicide prevention group with an optimistic and down to earth approach to one of our last "taboo" subjects.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide.
The Carson J Spencer Foundation envisions a world where leaders and communities are committed to sustaining a passion for life.
Feeling Blue Suicide Prevention Council is a community-based (Pennsylvania/Tri-State Area) organization dedicated to preventing suicide, reducing the stigma associated with suicide, and supporting those people affected by depression or by the loss of a loved one to suicide. We do this through education and support.
Link2Health Solutions (L2HS) is a leading innovator developing technology and communications infrastructure critical for supporting the emotional well-being of individuals and communities in need. Through its service networks and agency partnerships, L2HS provides high-quality, scalable programs that reach over 500,000 people nationally every year.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. With help comes hope. A free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.
Pieta House, the Centre for the Prevention of Self-Harm or Suicide, is the first charity of its kind in Ireland. Pieta House offers a specialised treatment programme for people who have suicidal ideation or who participate in self-harming behaviours. In particular, this centre targets people who have already attempted to take their lives - often the forgotten people.
Samaritans, Inc. is a non-denominational, not-for-profit volunteer organization serving greater Boston, MA & Metrowest communities. We are dedicated to reducing the incidence of suicide by befriending individuals in crisis and educating the community about effective prevention strategies.
The SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education) mission is to prevent suicide through public awareness and education, reduce stigma, and serve as a resource for those touched by suicide. Based in Bloomington, MN.
Screening for Mental Health Inc. (SMH), is the non-profit organization that first introduced the concept of large-scale mental health screenings in 1991 with its flagship program National Depression Screening Day. The Suicide Education and Research Division of SMH educates the public on warning signs of suicide, and professionals about the assessment and treatment of suicidal individuals.
Stop a Suicide Today is a program of the Suicide Education and Research Division.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization focused on crisis and suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth. The Trevor Project operates the only accredited, nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for LGBTQ youth. If you or a friend are feeling lost or alone, call The Trevor Helpline 866.4.U.TREVOR (866.488.3867). There is hope, there is help.
Working Minds – Suicide prevention in the workplace provides tools and networks to workplaces to assist with suicide prevention, intervention, and postvention.
Yellow Ribbon International Suicide Prevention Program® is a community-based program that empowers and educates professionals, adults and youth. This is a program of people helping people.

This is by no means a comprehensive list. Please share your experiences with these sites or others you like by posting a comment.

ChipIn® to support Suicide Prevention programs!

2009-09-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

It’s the economy! Or is it? Every day, media sources describe, in exquisite detail, our tough economic times. But I am encouraged by some of the positive signs I’m hearing that the worst may be behind us. I am also a firm believer in the power of Karma…putting good energy into the universe that finds its way back to me in ways I never imagined. Sometimes just a kind word is enough to keep the positive benefits flowing. With that said, supporting causes we care about is more important than ever. When financial hard times hit, most everyone will instinctively cut back on “discretionary” spending, which often includes charitable donations. Organizations, who serve those in need, need CASH. And every little bit adds up.

ChipIn® is a cool resource I found to collect all the “bits”. Each month, I'll set up a ChipIn widget and set a goal of least $300 for each month's cause. Here are some ideas on how to “scrape up” your spare change to support the Suicide Prevention work done by Working Minds, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. See yesterday’s post for details about the work done by each organization. Pick one (or more!) that resonate with you.

Donate the cost of 1 cup of Starbucks or your favorite beverage to ChipIn. For the true SBUX junkies (like me!) do it once per week!
Save your spare pocket change. Every night, empty your pockets, wallet, coin purse, etc., into a designated container. I have a rice bowl (good feng shui!) but you can use just about any vessel. Every Sunday, this month, add it up and donate that amount to ChipIn.
Recycling. If your state has a redemption fee for water/soda bottles and aluminum cans, this is an easy way to raise money and be “green”. Have everyone you know save their soda and water bottles/cans in large 33 gal garbage bags. You can offer to pick up the collection or ask friends to drop them off on a designated weekend. Then take all of the bags to your local recycler and collect the fee and donate the amount to ChipIn.
Check the sofa cushions, ashtrays, under the car seats, jean pockets, bottom of the handbag, or anywhere spare change “gathers” in your world. This is a GREAT project for youngsters!
Tweet this post and encourage your friends to donate their spare change.
Hold a garage sale and dedicate 15% of the proceeds to this cause. Moves the Chi in your life and makes room for new abundance in your life.
Remember to post links to this page to your Facebook and MySpace accounts to share with family and friends. Feel free to tweet away!

What’s your idea!? Share your thoughts on collecting/saving spare change to make a difference. To encourage creativity, every suggestion posted by midnight PST on 9/30/2009 will be entered into a drawing. On October 1st, I'll draw from the entries and the winner will receive a pair of crystal Heart of Hope earrings! Good luck!!

By collecing and donating the loose change we (collectively) have lying around we can re-circulate the cash and create some good economic Karma! Check back regularly to see how we’re doing!

Gift giving that matters!

2009-09-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

The Heart of Hope bracelet benefiting Suicide Prevention is dedicated to Janis, Sunny, Mark, Florence, Diane and Tim, close friends who have been touched by the tragedy of suicide and have chosen to make a difference. This is a great gift for yourself or someone you love! It is also a wonderful reminder of the serenity which can often be found at the beach and, how precious and beautiful life is.

My goal is to sell at least 1 bracelet per day, for a grand total of $750 to be split evenly and support the work of the following organizations:

Working Minds – Suicide prevention in the workplace provides tools and networks to workplaces to assist with suicide prevention, intervention, and postvention.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. With help comes hope. A free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide.

Purchase a Heart of Hope benefiting Suicide Prevention bracelet between September 1 and midnight September 30th, and receive a pair of matching pierced earrings as my gift to you! Add the earrings to your shopping bag and enter code AFSP at checkout.

Thank you!

Suicide Prevention Resources for Teachers, Managers and HR Professionals

2009-09-03T01:00:00.001-07:00

The statistics are startling! The following excerpt comes from the State of Michigan Employee Service Program.

“Seventy percent of suicidal individuals indicate their indentations in some way, and the workplace may be the last place they do so before acting. Death by suicide, attempts at and even thoughts of suicide are the desperate actions of a person who is feeling isolated, seriously depressed, and convinced that there is no other solution to “fix” their life. Often there are indirect signs such as talking about not being around much longer, asking someone to care for pets, taking all personal effects home from the office, or giving away possessions. There are times when the individual will openly admit to contemplating suicide, hoping that someone will take them seriously. Telling your coworker that you are concerned will NOT cause them to take that step; instead it may save their life. If you are concerned about a coworker, remember the ACT principle: Acknowledge your concern; take it seriously and be willing to listen. Care—take the initiative and voice your concern to your coworker or supervisor, then help your coworker obtain Treatment immediately.”

WorkingMinds, was founded by Sally Spencer-Thomas, Psy.D. She is the Executive Director of the Carson J Spencer Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to “ “Sustaining a Passion for Life” through innovative suicide prevention programs targeting the working aged population, social enterprise funding mental health initiatives and support for emerging leaders and entrepreneurs.

The Working Minds website is very comprehensive, offering “practical tools that are easily understood and adopted by our affiliates. Working Minds is innovative, advancing the mental health field with what is possible rather than what has always been done. Our positive messages that change can happen inspires hope and engages people in meaningful ways.”

Working Minds offers a Suicide Prevention Toolkit on their website Workingminds.org. “Just as workplaces have realized they can make an impact on reducing heart disease by encouraging exercise, they can also make an impact on reducing suicide by promoting mental health and encouraging early identification and intervention.”

Last, but certainly not least, they offer a FREE downloadable white paper: Suicide Prevention in the Workplace: Whose Responsibility is it?

The Pietra House in Ireland offers several innovative programs, including “Mind Your Buddy”, geared specifically toward men. They suggest we practice APR: Learn more about their services and innovative programs.
A…Ask – Are you Suicidal?
P…Persuade – Them to get Help
R…Refer – Refer them to Pieta House

At-Risk is an interactive, online training program that teaches faculty how to identify, approach, and refer at-risk students to counseling services. In this 45-minute simulation, trainees assume the role of faculty members in a fictional university where they analyze students’ profiles to identify those who could possibly pose a danger to themselves or others. Learn more

“Suicide Prevention: Leveraging the Workplace”, an article from the Winter 2009 edition of EAP Digest, written by Rich Paul, MSW, CEAP and Edward Jones, PhD discusses the business case for building suicide into the violence prevention practices for your workplace.

Please comment to let me know if these resources are informative and useful. If you have others, please share them here as well.