Reviewing: Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide

“Surely my experience with suicide is not unique; surely other survivors can benefit from learning about it and how—over the years---I have dealt with such a death.”  ~Christopher Lukas

In his lifetime, Christopher Lukas has lost a number of family members to suicide as well as to “regular” death. Beginning with his mother when he was 6 years old, to his Aunt and Uncle, almost 30 years later, to a childhood friend who committed suicide when he was 50, Mr. Lukas has intimate knowledge of the range of emotions which accompany loss. He sought therapy to deal with his depression and anxieties, but like most of us, suppressed many of his emotions. Following the death of his friend, he set out to explore the myriad of feelings associated with death/dying and suicide in particular, I suspect to bring about some measure of psychological peace. He turned to publications and professional journals, only to find that the majority of the material written, dealt with the person who committed suicide and all but nothing was written about or seemed to be concerned with those left in the aftermath. And so, he bravely stepped into the void – to write a practically based book that would help survivors cope with the loss by suicide of someone they loved. His collaborator is Henry Seiden, provided the professional, psychotherapy expertise.

Overview

The book is thoughtfully laid out to take the reader through the very real steps needed to process the grief of a death by suicide. Part I covers what happens to the survivor after someone commits suicide and provides an overview of the emotional reactions. Often, in addition to grief, a survivor may exhibit one or more symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Anger, denial and sadness are normal stages in the processing of grief. I was surprised to learn that survivors of suicide must also process some degree (moderate to extreme) of guilt and shame as well.


Part II, entitled The Long Run: “What’s Going to Happen to Me?” covers a series of Bargains, or deals we make with life. These are quite literally the coping mechanisms the brain employs to move us forward. For example, Silence is a very normal reaction, often because of the religious or social stigmas attached to a death by suicide. “Many people don’t even want to admit that the death was a suicide. They hide behind a variety of myths: the death was an accident, a murder, a mystery.”


Part III outlines the pragmatic and practical steps of giving and getting help. This section covers Responding, Giving Help by Listening, Getting Help by Talking, Talking with Children and Living with Suicide.


The Appendix, Bibliography and Further Reading section is a comprehensive collection of resources that were not available to Lukas when he started his journey of emotional discovery. If he did nothing else but compile this list, he would have been successful in his mission to help others traveling this narrow and perilous path of life.


My Opinion
Lukas’s style is that of a compassionate reporter. It is clear that the research was intense and thorough. Each segment is filled with quotes from survivors, making it possible to understand the thoughts and emotions of a survivor in a very real and sometimes visceral way. I felt that he had extended a great deal of respect and courtesy to those who shared their stories. He is unflinching in his accounts of his loved ones deaths and candid about the range of emotions he’s had to wrestle with over the years.


While it was certainly not an easy read because of the subject matter, I did find the book to be thoughtful, insightful and very educational. I would not hesitate to recommend this book to anyone who lost someone they love to suicide. It will help uncover and process the various emotions and reassure the reader they are not crazy or alone. I think it would also be helpful to friends and co-workers of suicide survivors. Because death is a somewhat uncomfortable topic anyway, the insight provided could help prevent many of the well-intentioned, but uneducated comments made by those trying to reach out and provide comfort.


Bibliography
Lukas, Christopher and Seiden, Henry M.. Silent Grief – Living in the Wake of Suicide, Revised Edition. Philadelphia. Jessica Kinglsey Publishers. 2007.