Domestic Violence...Warning Signs

For the most part....I'm a pretty easy going gal.  It takes a lot to "flap me out" as my friends say.  Thanks to my ALS experience, I truly understand what's life and death and what's not.  I know when I need to step up the urgency in my voice/approach and when to just settle down and go with the flow.  But trust me, I've been angry...so angry in fact that I literally couldn't see straight.   I know what it's like to not be in control of your emotions and the unintended consequences of rage.  What I don't understand...being so out of control that you hit or hurt another human being intentionally.  Which is most likely why this is a difficult topic for me to tackle.   

Age and experience have taught me that generally speaking, the root of my own anger falls into one of two categories 1) a perceived injustice (something is "not fair") or 2) my ego not getting what it thinks it needs.  An example that comes immediately to mind is a staff meeting more than 25 years ago when I called an emergency meeting to "review" a pair of back to back shoplifting incidents with my team.  I didn't think my staff was paying attention and doing the things they knew how to do to prevent theft in the store and because of the circumstances, I felt the thieves were laughing at me.  My petty, threatened, ego was working overtime as I screamed at my staff and ultimately let the hanger I was waving like a madwoman to emphasize my words (as if everyone within a 100 mile radius could dodge my wrath) fly.  To this day, I am ashamed that 1) the hanger bounced off of one of my employees 2) that I frightened every single person in the room into a stunned silence, and 3) that I completely lost perspective and control.  I am equally grateful that no one was injured and that once I expressed my embarassment and remorse, my staff, to a person, forgave my outburst.   I vowed that afternoon that I would never again be so far out of bounds with my emotions.  So I also understand the deep need to forgive someone and give a second chance.

In my case, while I am not proud of the incident, there was no history of previous violence beyone a raised voice; no intent to hurt or control anyone; it was not directed at any single person and it was truly an isolted incident.  However isolated, my own behavior was quite similar to that of an abuser.  Rage...remorse and a request for forgiveness. And that's the scariest part of this story for me.  

Family, sexual, domestic violence can take many forms and like the example from my own history, is complicated but seems to be rooted in the ego's need to dominate - usually another person.  This type of violence does not discriminate...at all.  It touches every single ethnic, socio-economic, religious, gender, sexual preference and age bracket.  It doesn't respect any political or geographical boundry.  It doesn't care if you work or don't work. Marriage provides no safety from abuse and in fact leads the abuser to feel they "own" their partner and are entitled to their behavior.  Elder abuse is thought to be as prevelant as date rape. And unfortunatlely abuse seems to be repeated over generations in some families. 

In my next post, you will find a number of resources dedicated specifically to handling the immediate crisis, educating to break the cycle, and ultimately prevent further/future abuse.   But for today, I'd like to share some of the early warning signs that point to a potentially abusive relationship.  Abusers use any/all of the following to control their partners:

Emotional/Verbal Abuse - Words, whispered softly in a victim's ear or hurled in a public display of anger, by someone who says they love you, cut deeply and leave scars that may never fully heal.  Any type of put-down, criticism, public humiliation, name-calling, mind games and manipulation is a form of abuse.  These tactics are specifically designed to undermine your self-esteem which will make you vulnerable.  An example: "You're so (stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, skinny, uneducated...) no one else would want you.  You're lucky I do".

Isolation - Control cannot happen when there is someone "talking in your other ear".  If you never hear, "That's wrong" "that's just not right", "why do you put up with him/her talking to you/behaving like that", then after a while, you will believe anything.  So...an abuser will do anything to eliminate those other voices by cutting you off from your family, friends, co-workers, loved ones.  And sometimes it happens slowly. Pay close attention if you hear "Hey baby, you know I don't like your friend .  You don't need to see her today.  Stay with me and we'll do something special."  Jealousy is pretty common with abusers, so you may hear "Let me go with you to the (doctor, dentist, florist, grocery store).  You know I don't like the way he/she looks at you".  And the feeling of isolation may deepen as your abuser insists you quit your job, or you lose it because of the time off you've taken to heal your wounds.

Economic control - If you do not have access to money/financial records, if your partner demands that you turn over your paycheck and doles out an "allowance", if they threaten to take over your accounts because "you are too stupid to handle anything financial", forbidding you to go to work or better yourself through classes/continuing education, be very wary. The easiest way to exert control over someone is to make them economically dependent.  

Threats and Intimidation - If you show any initiative or speak up for yourself, and the abuser feels they may not be able to fully control you, they will resort to threatening violence/destruction on those you love, including children, pets, family members, treasured possessions, or any soft spot they think will bring you into line.  They may even threaten suicide.

If your partner practices any of these behaviors, but does not physically hit/hurt you, you still need to be cautious.  You are likely not in a healthy relationship and all of these behaviors are strong indicators that your partner is capable of physical violence. 

More obvious, but not to be taken lightly is any incident which involves physical contact, such as hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair-pulling, biting, etc. Physical abuse includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use.  Also included is any unwanted or hurtful sexual encounter, such as rape, being coerced into having sex, or non-consensual, and/or demeaning sexual activity.  Especially if it is followed by remorse and a lavish show of affection and gifts.


I found a number of credible sources to help with my thoughts, but I liked the post to the US Department of Justice website for its comprehensive and succinct listing of behaviors to watch for.

Still not sure if your relationship is potentially stormy?  Chris DeBello has an Abusive Relationships section on his site Issues and Ideas with Chris DeBello.   You can take the Quiz, 15 yes or no questions and get immediate scoring with links to additional information. This quote from his site summed it up for me.

"Abuse is wrong. You don't deserve it. Nobody has the right to do it to you. In marriages and relationships abuse isn't always a slap or a punch. It can be verbal or psychological. The abuser's goal is to hold you hostage emotionally and physically.  This site is where you can learn what abuse is all about and the damage it does. Your first step out of the darkness is there for you to take and there are a lot of people who will help you take that step."

Peace
Photo by Gigi Thibodeau